


What if This Storm Ends?

by leonhart_17



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-09-03
Packaged: 2017-12-13 19:07:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 41,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leonhart_17/pseuds/leonhart_17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if this storm ends and I don't see you as you are now, ever again?  Arizona and Callie try to pick up the pieces in the aftermath of the superstorm and Arizona's PTSD.  </p><p>*A/U of the season finale*<br/>*NOT a cheating fic*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is wildly different from anything else I've written for them, but it's something I've gotten really excited about. It's still being written, so the updates will be slower than my usual, but they WILL be coming along.

The pounding rain made the whole world hum around Callie Torres. The storm, the sudden and complete darkness, even her patients were not enough to stifle the niggling feeling in the back of her brain that was steadily screaming that she needed to find her wife, _right **now**_. She was surely safe in the hospital, but Callie couldn't fight the feeling that something was desperately wrong. “Avery, keep the shoulder still in the meantime, and I'll take an x-ray when we get the power back on, okay?” Not waiting for a response from the man in the bed Callie shouldered her way through the curtain and started toward the stairs and the NICU.

Arizona Robbins groaned as she leaned against the on-call room door. She couldn't have done this. She wasn't this person. She loved her wife. She loved Callie Torres. She didn't have sex in on-call rooms with women she'd known for less than a week. But she had done just that. Just let herself be convinced that being 'out of control' was worth destroying her marriage. Because she knew she wasn't in control now. She hadn't been in control of her life in years. Long before the plane crash. Since her daughter's birth, at least.

But what she'd just done had done nothing to help her regain control of anything. Instead, it felt like she was spiraling more than ever. How could she ever look Callie in the eyes again? How could she look into her wife’s face and tell her that she'd just slept with another woman? She was going to be sick, nausea rolling through her stomach. One hand shot out to catch herself against the wall, her good knee not willing or able to keep her up. She felt dizzy, had to close her eyes and breathe deep, her heart pounding a rapid tattoo against her chest.

A rumble of thunder was followed by a flash of lightning (or had that been an explosion? Had something exploded?) and it snapped her back to the present. She'd cheated, betrayed her wife, but she still had patients, infants in the NICU who would die without her. That had to mean something right now. She might have destroyed her own life but she would not let the parents in her ward suffer the same fate today. She was going to save some lives tonight if it killed her.

Alex and Jo were already there, bustling around trying to keep the tiny human makers calm in the storm. The interns were looking to Karev, but he looked to her, catching her eyes as soon as she limped in, his brows furrowing as he noticed her staggered pace. Arizona shook her head, dismissing his concern. She didn't matter right now. Nodding toward the desk, she let him herd the interns to her. She wasn't sure her leg could hold her if she moved away from the desk right now.

“What's the plan?” Alex asked breathlessly, Jo and Stephanie huddling up to protect their conversation from prying ears. Arizona went stiff when another slim body edged into the circle, her knuckles going white as she gripped the edge of the counter tightly. “Dr. Robbins,” Alex said firmly when she didn't speak, frowning at the expression on her face. “What are we doing here?”

“Arizona...” Lauren started to speak, her voice quiet, trying to soothe her, and Arizona couldn't take it.

“No!” she snapped, dimly aware of Alex blinking at her, the two interns exchanging confused glances. “Alex, um, the generators are down, apparently, so we're going to start losing these monitors. I want you in here, keeping parents calm and helping me with the babies. Interns, check every supply cabinet and closet on this floor and find us some more batteries,” Arizona ordered, taking a deep breath and resolutely avoiding Lauren Boswell's eyes.

“What should I do?” Ignoring her clearly wasn't helping. Arizona sighed, pushing herself away from the desk and trying to leave. A narrow hand caught hers before she could escape. “Hey! What's going on? Are you not going to talk to me? What did I do?”

Arizona jerked her hand away, moving so quickly upsetting her balance and sending her sprawling. Strong arms caught her long before the floor found her. Strong arms that were instantly familiar and made her heart jerk in her chest. Callie's expression was confused, protective, and concerned over her head and Arizona scrambled back onto her feet, stumbling out of Callie's hold and putting a hand up when her wife moved to follow her. Callie took her hand to keep her steady, brown eyes traveling between the two fair-haired women. “Honey, are you okay?” Arizona's mouth moved without words coming out. “What's going on here...?” Blue eyes couldn't meet her own and Callie jerked her gaze to where Lauren stood watching. “Did you do something to her?” She didn't know what was happening here, just that something was definitely occurring beneath the surface here. Something between her wife and this woman.

“Callie...” Arizona's protest was weak behind her, and Callie turned to face Lauren squarely, placing herself directly between the two women.

“What the _hell_ is happening here? What did you do to my wife?” Callie demanded, her voice flat and cold. She was still holding Arizona's hand, her arm twisted behind her to maintain the contact. She didn't turn when Arizona squeezed her hand, too scared to turn around and see confirmation of what she feared in her partner's eyes. “What did you do?”

“Callie,” Arizona tried again, pulling lightly on Callie's fist. “It wasn't, she didn't, it was my, it was me-”

It was too much, Callie jerking her hand away and lunging forward. She'd let George wreck her, stood by and let Izzie steal her husband. It wasn't happening like that again. Not this woman, not _her_ wife.

Lauren recoiled backwards at the same time that Arizona grabbed for Callie's arm, Alex suddenly there and pushing Callie back. She tripped over her own feet, and Arizona's, sending them both falling backwards toward the desk. Confusion and anger didn’t stifle her protective instincts and Callie caught Arizona's waist before more than her elbow could strike the counter. She couldn't maintain the hold past Arizona regaining her balance, her hands clenching and relaxing at her sides as she tried to fathom what her next move could possibly be. Because her wife had cheated on her. Had there been confirmation of that? A glance at blue eyes seemed to suggest that those were the facts. But those facts just wouldn't compute at this moment. Her Arizona wouldn't do this. Her wife wouldn't hurt her this way, knowing everything she'd been through in her past. And they were finally almost good again. How could this be happening?

“Torres,” Alex growled, uncertain but still maintaining a barrier between the Ortho surgeon and Dr. Boswell. Behind them, the tiny human makers were growing restless. Something needed to end this, and soon. “Dr. Robbins...”

Arizona forced her back to straighten, Callie looking at her in disbelief over her shoulder as the Peds surgeon fixed her lab coat and turned back to her work, limping stiffly away from the mess she'd made. She needed to talk to Callie, try to explain, but they couldn't do it here, with petrified parents watching her life fall apart. And, frankly, she wasn't sure she'd be able to fix this and wanted to delay the inevitable for a while longer. She was going to keep these kids alive if it killed her.

Death might feel better than the look on Callie's face right now.

Alex didn't move when Arizona did, not sure what would happen to Lauren if he wasn't in Callie's way. He had to admit that she had some balls to still be standing there. He wasn't oblivious to the flirting the visiting doc had been giving Arizona. And he hadn't missed his Attending's flattery at the attention. Whatever had happened, he knew Arizona wasn't a bad person, though. Maybe Lauren deserved what Callie clearly had coming for her, but she hadn't run yet. And as fun as it might be to witness a catfight (his money was on Torres), he couldn't let it happen here or now.

“Torres...” he started again slowly.

Lauren spoke over him, taking a step closer to his back as she did so. “Dr. Torres,” Callie's eyes flashed and she retreated a half-step, “I don't know what's going on, but I swear to you, I didn't do anything with your wife.” Brown eyes narrowed, scrutinizing her sharply. “Maybe I was flirting, maybe Arizona flirted a little back,” Callie took the step forward this time and Lauren felt the edge of the desk dig into her back as she unconsciously tried to maintain safe distance between herself and the angry woman, “But she didn't do anything wrong here! She told me in no uncertain terms that she is married, happily, to you.” She tried a smile, feeling a little bit wistful. Arizona Robbins was hot. She was kind of bummed that she _hadn't_ gotten a chance with her. Not that she would be expressing that thought to Arizona's wife when the other woman already looked like she was ready to beat her down. “She couldn't stop talking about your gorgeous, magical eyes.” Callie frowned but her shoulders appeared to relax just slightly. “You're a very lucky woman, Dr. Torres,” Lauren told her. “I can't say I'm not jealous.”

Callie's quick pace forward made her eyes go wide, Lauren pressing herself back against the counter as Callie shouldered her way ably past a shocked Alex Karev. She didn't touch her though, simply crowded her back against the half-wall and stared her down, dark eyes searching her face for something. Callie's shoulder bucked off Alex's hand when he started to pull her back, her gaze not faltering. That look was enough to make Lauren squirm. Arizona was totally her type, but she could definitely see why Arizona was so devoted to this woman.

“Callie,” Alex said, trying again to defuse the situation. He didn't touch her again though. “This isn't the place for this.”

Callie didn't move. “You didn't touch her,” she declared, not blinking.

Lauren let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding. “No. I didn't.”

But Callie had seen Arizona's eyes, the guilt there. _Something_ had happened. “But, why...?” She shook her head. She wasn't going to air her dirty laundry with this woman. “You need to get away from me, right now,” she stated seriously. Lauren was immediately slipping out from between her and the counter where she'd been pinned. “And...” Lauren stopped, not turning back toward her but listening. “Stay the hell away from my wife.”

Lauren resumed fleeing, Callie letting out a deep breath and slumping into the counter. Alex was standing watch at her side and the familiarity made her chest ache. He'd been her shadow after the crash, rarely speaking but always there. She shrugged off his hand when he touched her shoulder.

“What is happening, Alex?” whispered Callie, confused and still scared. Something was wrong. She could feel it. It was vibrating in the air around her the same way the storm outside was rattling the very atmosphere. “I saw her face. Something happened. She cheated on me.” It felt like a stabbing pain in her heart to even say it. It just rang so patently _false_. Her Arizona was _not_ a cheater. Period. “But...” But when, how, where, with who? And _why_? After everything they'd survived, how could this happen?

Alex sighed, shaking his head and finding Arizona moving between beds over Callie's shoulder. “She's only ever here, working, or in physical therapy, or she's home with you.” Callie's eyes found him and he shrugged. “And, yeah, she flirted with Boswell, but...” He fell silent as something occurred to him. Arizona had walked Lauren to the on-call rooms earlier if Stephanie was to be believed. That's what she'd told him when he'd been looking for Arizona right after the power went out, at least.

Callie felt the weight of the loaded silence and her mouth fell open. “What? Alex, you have to tell me what you know! Something is wrong here!”

He took another deep breath, unable to keep her gaze. “According to one of the interns, Boswell asked Dr. Robbins for an escort to an on-call room. She said she likes to spend the night close to the patient after a procedure.”

Already shaking her head in denial, Callie was frowning. “Lauren Boswell didn't sleep with Arizona. I would have seen it.” Alex looked less than convinced. “Believe me. I would have known.” The Bailey stare did not fail. It hadn't failed her this time, even if it felt like all of her other senses were betraying her. Everything in the world felt fundamentally _wrong_ right now.

“Then what's going on?” Alex asked, leaning his head in and lowering his voice. He couldn't handle intercepting anymore guilty glances in this direction. “Because Robbins keeps looking over here...”

“I don't know, Karev!” Callie didn't mean to snap but she just couldn't seem to stop herself. Nothing was right.

He didn't object to her lashing out, taking a breath to steady himself. “Well, we kind of need her up here right now...” The glare Callie gave him was positively poisonous. “Unless you want to – Callie, is this the best time for this?”

“You don't tell me how to deal with my wife, Dr. Karev,” Callie ordered him, standing up straight. But outside of posturing for Alex Karev, she had no further clue how to deal with this entire situation. Dragging Arizona somewhere private was the only thing she wanted to do. But whether that would help or hurt she wasn't sure. “Don't let her leave,” she declared under her breath. “I'll be back when I can.” She could check on patients. Do something to figure out why the generators weren't working. She didn't know anything about electricity, but she felt a burning need to do _something_ that would have a productive result.

She didn't know what talking to Arizona would end in.

“And Alex?” He looked at her steadily, lines of anxiety around his eyes. “Keep an eye on her,” she requested, not an order.

“I've got her back,” Alex promised. Callie didn't look back, marching away stiffly and leaving him at the desk to stare at between the pair of women. When Arizona ducked into the supply closet he quickstepped across the room to slip into the small room behind her. “What's going on?”

Arizona didn't face him, her shoulders tight. “I cheated on my wife with that woman out there.”

“What makes you think that? Did you say something you shouldn't have to her, maybe a kiss, or something?” Lauren said they hadn't slept together. And Callie bought it, whether or not it was true.

Arizona glared sharply. “No, Karev! Believe me, I wish a kiss is all that happened!”

“And this happened with Boswell? The new chick?” he checked. Maybe Callie was right. Something was seriously off here. 

Arizona took a swat at him this time. “Yes! Alex, I cheated on my wife! I'm not going to relive it for you! You think I don't feel awful? It was a mistake! It was a huge mistake!”

Alex Karev was no stranger to crazy women and he was starting to feel it here in this closet. Something in the air warning him, a sixth sense he'd developed. The crazy made waves in his head. And Arizona earnestly believed she'd betrayed Callie, but there were alarms going off in his brain. This wasn't right. “Hey, I know!” he tried to relieve her. “It's okay. It's going to be okay.”

The interns outside the closet were dealing with teaching the parents to operate the breathing bags for their babies as the monitors failed one by one, and things were going as well as they could possibly be going considering the circumstances. Arizona split from his side as soon as they left the room, though she stopped short when the direction she'd chosen to flee in put her on a trajectory with Lauren Boswell. The visiting doctor looked in their direction, pretty face marred by a frown of genuine concern. Arizona stumbled, spinning from side to side and seeking another avenue of escape.

It was simultaneous relief and dread that filled Arizona when the lights finally snapped back on sometime before dawn. She couldn't hide in the dark anymore. Whatever she'd done to her life, whatever mess she'd made, it was going to be exposed to the light now. Now she could see perfectly exactly how destroyed Callie was when she told her what had happened. What she had done.

She couldn't hide anymore.

Somehow unable to sense that the world, her world, was going wrong a nurse on two told her where she could find Dr. Torres, her wife already pacing the floor alone in the Attending's lounge. Callie turned when Arizona slipped into the room and closed the door behind her. The deja vu when she hesitated before deliberately clicking the lock into place made her choke.

“Arizona...” Callie's voice was hoarse from tears. “Tell me what is going on.”

She wished she could just keep facing the door, didn't have to turn and look into Callie's face as she destroyed their marriage. She loved Callie too much to not look her in the eyes as she told her this though.

There were already tears on Callie's face, her shoulders slumped with defeat. It was enough to break her heart.

“I cheated on you.” Callie blinked and there were more tears sliding down her face.

“With Dr. Boswell? You s-slept with h-her?”

Arizona nodded, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. “Yes. But Callie -”

“You didn't,” Callie said flatly, her lip trembling.

“Yes, I did. But I am so -”

“No,” Callie denied again. “You didn't. You wouldn't.”

“I did.”

“You didn't!” insisted Callie, her volume rising. Arizona jumped, frowning. This wasn't the argument she'd been braced for. Callie knew she'd cheated. Could see it in her eyes even if she was denying the words she said. “I talked to Dr. - her, I talked to her. She didn't sleep with you.” Sweat broke out at Arizona's temple, her head throbbing suddenly. “I looked her in the eye, Arizona. She said you two didn't do anything.” She took a trembling breath and a shaky step forward. Arizona was swaying on her feet, her skin pale and sweaty. “But if you slept with someone else, I need to know,” Callie said, sheer will keeping her voice steady. “I need to know right now, Arizona.”

Confused, Arizona shook her head, a few strands of hair escaping from her messy ponytail and falling in her face. “It-it was Lauren. I slept with Lauren.” Hearing her say it over and over again didn't make it hurt less, for all Callie that knew in her soul that it wasn't true. Arizona was convinced she had betrayed her. And Callie was convinced that it hadn't been Boswell. So why would Arizona keep insisting that it was? They were facing infidelity. The who almost didn't matter.

Except for the conviction in Arizona's blue eyes. She had slept with Lauren. Or she believed she had. 

All the evidence Callie had been able to find, or the complete lack thereof, rather, via nosy nurses (and who actually had the time to be nosy when they were in the middle of a superstorm, seriously) had told her that, yes, Arizona had escorted Lauren to an on-call room. But that was it. They'd chatted in the doorway for a few minutes before Lauren had shut the door with herself on one side and Arizona on the other. Nothing remotely suspicious had been noticed.

“Who did you sleep with, Arizona?”

“Lauren!” Arizona was crying now too, her hands squeezing the sides of her lab coat tightly. She was swaying worse and Callie took another slow step forward.

“I don't believe you,” Callie said softly, edging forward. “Who did you sleep with?”

“Lauren.” Arizona was shaking, her eyes cloudy and unfocused. Her voice was lower now, answering the quieter tone in Callie's voice instinctively. “Lauren.” Callie shook her head, drawing closer every moment. “It was Lauren.” Callie murmured a negative. “No, it was,” Arizona insisted, almost whispering. Rocking between her toes and her heels, Arizona whispered the name again and again. Her eyes didn't seem to see Callie's approach. She didn't react to her wife's proximity at all until a gentle hand found her cheek and turned her face to meet dark eyes. Callie really did have beautiful eyes. Arizona went stiff suddenly, her tears sticky between her cheek and Callie's palm. “Callie?” she asked, whimpering and scared. “What's happening?”

Callie caught her as Arizona slumped suddenly into her, barely keeping them up as Arizona went limp, dead weight in her arms. “Arizona!” Calling her name gained no response and Callie struggled to drag them to the nearest couch. Arizona's shoes pulled and caught on the carpet as they moved. They more or less fell to the cushions, Callie's heart pounding when Arizona didn't moan on groan when she dropped on top of her. The blonde's breathing was loud, her eyes open but unseeing. Callie slid off the couch to her knees, both hands pulling Arizona up by the sides of her coat. “Arizona!” She was sitting up now, her head bobbing as she made no effort to hold herself up. “Look at me!” No answer. “God damn it, Arizona! Look at me!” As soon as she released one side of her wife's lab coat to reach for her phone the other woman slumped to the side, nearly catatonic.

Callie did the only thing she could think to do, calling Alex. He didn't answer the first call and she impatiently swiped the screen again. “Karev, I need you down here!” she said as soon as he picked up, too anxious to preface her words. “It's Arizona. I can't reach her!”

“What? Torres, what -?”

“Get here!” Callie snapped. “The lounge on two.” Hanging up, she tossed her phone aside and tugged Arizona back upright, standing on her knees so their faces were nearly level. “Arizona, wake _up_! Come back to me!” Hard breathing was the only thing that answered her. This day felt like a never-ending spiral of confusion and pain, Callie scrambling to keep her head above water. “I don't know if you can hear me, Arizona, but I can't do this without you. Come back!” Still nothing, and Callie's head dropped, forehead resting on her wife's left leg, the metal of her prosthetic tangible beneath the plastic covering it. Grimacing, Callie shifted her head to the other leg, sighing gratefully at the human warmth she could feel through Arizona's scrub pants. Unable to stop herself, Callie felt tears leaking from the corners of her eyes to drop into obscurity against the navy cotton under her face.

Minutes passed, the door opening and closing, and then Alex was there, sitting on the couch beside Arizona and leaning over to look at her face while Callie straightened back up and surreptitiously wiping her eyes. “How long has she been like this?”

Callie shook her head, uncertain and beyond scared. “I-I don't know. We were talking. She started shaking, an-and it was like she couldn't hear me. She collapsed when I touched her. Alex, what is wrong with her?” Callie pleaded, needing someone to help her. She'd been trying to do everything on her own since the crash. It felt like drowning in slow motion.

He held one hand up in front of Arizona's face, snapping his fingers twice with no reaction. Alex frowned and stood up, gently pushing Callie aside and taking her place in front of the catatonic woman on the sofa. “Hang on,” he said without looking away from his mentor. Biting his lip, he made a decision. The crack of his hand against Arizona's cheek was sharp in the quiet room and Arizona gasped even as Callie shoved Alex off his feet, hard. He hit the floor with a thud and a loud groan but Callie couldn't care less.

Because Arizona's eyes were watering but focused, finding her worried gaze. “Wha-? What – where are we? What's happening? Callie...” She was scared, couldn't remember how they'd gotten here, couldn't remember past... Arizona frowned, shaking her head and trying to come up with her last memory. The things she saw in her head were hazy and didn't make sense. Lightning and flashes of skin. But not Callie's skin.

“It's okay, it's okay,” Callie said quickly, leaning in and grabbing her wife's face with both hands. “I'm right here.” Arizona's cheek was warm where Alex had struck her and Callie wanted to hit him. How dare he slap her wife? It had worked though, bringing Arizona out of her fugue state. “Look at me,” she pleaded, heart pounding at the sight of tears in deep blue eyes. “Are you okay?”

Arizona slumped forward, both arms wrapping around Callie's shoulder as she succumbed to her confusion and fear. Sobs broke free and she buried her face in the warmth of her wife's neck. “Callie, I don't re-remember!” she cried, clinging to her. “Callie...” Callie wasn't sure she'd ever heard her wife sound so scared and she wrapped her arms tighter around the trembling woman. “What's happening to me?!”


	2. Chapter 2

Arizona moaned in her sleep, the sound echoing through the open door of her bedroom and into the dark apartment she shared with her wife and daughter. They'd left the hospital as soon as the rain had finally stopped, two days in the hospital leaving them all anxious, stressed, and tired. The ones who'd ridden out the storm had been sent home while the staff who'd been locked down in their homes were coming in to relieve them. The power was still out in their apartment though, so Callie had put Sofia and Arizona to bed and ventured back out into post-storm Seattle to pick up rudimentary groceries to tide them over until their power got restored.

Unconscious, Arizona stirred, tossing under the thin sheet. The comforter Callie had tenderly tucked around her shoulders had been kicked off already. Her head thrashed, loose hair falling across her face, but she didn't wake. Flopping onto her back didn't wake her either. Neither did whipping out her right arm and sending the bedside lamp crashing loudly to the floor.

It didn't wake Arizona, but it did disturb Sofia, the baby sitting up in her crib and crying loudly. A remnant of thunder rattled the windows and ensured that the little girl wasn't going to be able to soothe herself back to sleep. Unfortunately, the glass shaking in the frame wasn't enough to wake her mother. Arizona was lost to her dreams, trapped in the woods of her own mind.

Callie could hear the wailing from the hall, juggling two tall paper bags in one arm and her keys in the other hand. She didn't bother with closing the door behind her (between their place and Mark's, they owned this half of the floor), putting the bags down on the counter and rushing to Sofia's room to pluck her daughter from her bed. The poor little girl's face was red, flushed with heat and slick with tears. “It's okay, Sofia. Mami's here.” And Arizona was here, just not _here_. What could have kept her from her screaming baby? It had been a long day and night – maybe her leg was swollen. Maybe she had fallen. Sofia started to calm down as soon as she was nestled against Callie's chest, whimpering and sucking on her pacifier. “Arizona? Are you up?”

The first step past her doorway resulted in a crunching noise and Callie frowned in confusion and concern. Moving carefully into the bedroom, Callie had to stand still for a moment to let her eyes adjust. The shards of broken ceramic were indistinguishable from the rug in the dark but Callie could see her wife's form on the bed and noticed the missing lamp from the table.

“Honey, are you awake?” Leaning over with one hand on Sofia's back, Callie rubbed her wife's back with the other hand. The bare skin of her shoulder was flushed but Arizona didn't respond beyond a deep, sleeping breath. “Mama's tired,” Callie murmured to Sofia. “She didn't mean to scare you.” She kissed her daughter's cheek and swayed her from side to side gently. “Let's get you back in bed, huh?”

“Ma-ma,” Sofia murmured even as she nuzzled her head into Callie's shoulder.

“You want to give her a kiss before bed?” Callie asked, whispering into soft black hair. She shifted the baby carefully, lowering her toward Arizona's face. Small hands patted against fair skin while Sofia leaned her head down to press wet lips to her mother's cheek. The soft touch had a reaction that Callie's hand on her back hadn't, Arizona jerking awake with a violent start.

Callie instinctively pulled Sofia back as Arizona's arms flailed, the startled little girl crying loudly again. Arizona fought briefly with the sheets, turning over with her eyes wide. “What?!” It took a moment for recognition of where she was to sink in, Arizona reaching out her arms for Sofia as soon as she realized what had happened. She sighed gratefully when Callie didn't hesitate to hand their daughter over to her. “Sweetheart, Mama's sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. It's okay,” she whispered, kissing her baby's face repeatedly. Her eyes were fearful when she looked up at Callie. “Did I hit her? Did I hurt her?”

Sitting down on the bedside, Callie shook her head. “You wouldn't hurt her,” she said softly, trailing one hand lightly down the baby's back.

“Callie, did I hurt her?” Arizona asked again, blinking back tears. She couldn't be this person. She didn't know how to be this person – someone who cheated on her wife, who _hurt_ her baby girl.

“You didn't,” Callie promised. “You would _not_ hurt her. She's your daughter. You would _never_ hurt her.”

Arizona pushed a lingering kiss to Sofia's cheek, feeling the flush in her soft skin. She'd been crying for a while. And she hadn't heard it, had been trapped in her own mind and hadn't heard her baby crying for her. What was happening to her?! Who _was_ this person? Because this wasn't someone she ever wanted to be. She wanted to be the wife Callie needed, the mother Sofia deserved.

“Stop it,” Callie said, tone soft but firm. Arizona's eyes jumped to her, noticing the shattered lamp in the corner of her eye. “I can see it in your face. Whatever's in your head, stop it, Arizona.”

“I don't know if I can,” answered Arizona in a whisper, her eyes falling away again as the guilt rose in her chest. Sofia was starting to quiet down again in her arms, crying giving way to soft whimpers against her chest. “I don't know who I am anymore,” she admitted, closing her eyes and leaning her head against baby-soft hair.

Callie sucked in a breath, not surprised by the statement but saddened, heartbroken. “Do you still love me?” Because she loved Arizona desperately. Nothing would ever change that.

“Callie...” Arizona wanted to protest that her wife would even ask that of her but she held her tongue for a moment. Because Callie deserved an honest answer. She deserved a partner who was whole too.

“I'm not trying to trick you, Arizona,” Callie said, her voice heavy, nearly defeated. “Yes or no. Do you love me? You can be pissed at me, you can resent me, you can maybe even hate me right now. I need to know, though. Simple answer. Yes or no. Does any part of you still love me at all?”

When she put it like that there was only one answer Arizona could give. “Yes.”

“Do you want to stay with me? Do you want a di-”

“Callie, stop. Don't,” Arizona croaked hoarsely. “Don't say it.” She swallowed hard, head shaking slowly from side to side. She wanted her marriage. But she'd betrayed it. “You're my wife. That's what I want. But I – I cheated, Callie.”

Callie's jaw tensed, her teeth clenching. Hearing it come out of her mouth felt like a fist squeezing her heart in her chest. That same heart just _knew_ that it wasn't true. When she'd tried to argue that with Arizona she'd gone catatonic though. It made her hesitant to restart the discussion. “You want to stay married? You want to work this out?”

“More than anything,” Arizona sighed. “Callie...”

“I'm talking now,” Callie interjected. “We need help here, Arizona.” Eyes locked, Callie's tongue peeking out to wet her lips. “I think we need to talk to somebody.” She could already see the resistance in her spouse's face. Stubborn woman. “Let's get Sofia to bed and we'll talk about it.”

Arizona's hold on the baby tightened. “The power's still out. She'll be scared.” Callie arched an eyebrow doubtfully. Sofia was already half asleep again, comforted by her parents' presence. “I don't want to let her go,” Arizona admitted.

Sighing, Callie reached forward to ruffle soft black hair, the backs of her fingers brushing Arizona's cheek. “I'll get her leopard from her room while I lock up,” she said with a soft smile, looking lovingly at her family.

She had just stood from the bed when Arizona spoke again, “Are you going to be okay with me sleeping in here?”

Callie felt her back tighten, a deep breath escaping slowly. Arizona didn't want to sleep beside her because she thought she'd been unfaithful. If it wasn't sad enough to break her heart it would almost make her laugh. “Do you want to sleep next to me?” she asked instead of answering.

“Callie, I made a mistake today...”

“Yes or no, Arizona,” prompted Callie, closing her eyes.

“Yes,” the blonde answered meekly, grateful that her indiscretion hadn't displaced her from her bed.

“I'll be right back,” Callie said without turning around. She got the grocery bags off the floor and onto the counter, got the front door closed and locked behind them, and swept up the broken lamp in the dark, doing her best to get it all, but making a mental note that they shouldn't let Sofia down on the floor in their room until she'd had a chance to run the vacuum.

Putting the broom back in the pantry in the kitchen, Callie took a moment to herself, breathing deeply and savoring the calm quiet of the empty room. The kitchen wasn't an emotionally fraught minefield like it felt like her bedroom was. A soft, sweet, infinitely heart-melting baby giggle came through the doorway and reminded her that there were safe places in the midst of all the danger. Arizona's voice murmuring to their baby elicited another precious laugh and Callie found herself drawn back to the bedroom door.

Arizona was on her side under the sheets, Sofia now carefully tucked in beside her where she would be safely cocooned by her parents. Gentle fingers combed through dark hair, her face pressed in close, Arizona's expression simply captivated by their daughter. It was moments like this that made Callie sure that whatever was going on, they could get through it.

“Got room for me in there?” Callie asked, moving into the room. She was exhausted enough to contemplate sleeping anywhere. But cocooning herself in bed with her family, her whole world, would always be the best option.

Arizona met her gaze over Sofia's head when she slid under the sheets with them but didn't say anything. And Callie was prepared for a weird night of no talking, no touching. She understood. Arizona was confused, uncertain where they stood. And their daughter was in the bed so it wasn't like they could talk things out any more tonight. Sighing, Callie tucked the toy leopard into tiny hands and kissed Sofia's head before turning onto her other side. She could hear the rustling of movement behind her but didn't peek. A hand slipped slowly and cautiously under her elbow and Callie shifted to let her in, an arm sliding carefully over her side.

“Okay?” Arizona checked in a whisper. She wanted to hold her wife, try and erase the memories of another woman under her touch, but told herself she wouldn't be wrecked if Callie wouldn't let herself be held right now.

“Okay.”

Relieved, Arizona shifted forward further, Sofia safely curled up between Callie's back and her own chest. If she moved her leg forward just a little bit she could just touch Callie's feet with her own. She didn't though, scared that too much contact too soon would push her away. She couldn't help breathing in deeply, wanting to capture the scent of Callie's hair, savor the smell of her skin. She didn't know what tomorrow would hold for her.

And waking the next morning (or was it afternoon? Her fuzzy mind couldn't figure it out), Arizona found herself alone. It sent her heart plummeting even as her mind tried to resign itself to this new reality. She couldn't blame Callie for leaving.

Noise from beyond the bedroom door made her think that maybe Callie hadn't gone as far as she'd thought she would have run. Looking around the bedroom she saw that the lamp had been entirely cleaned up and her prosthetic was leaning in its usual place against the bedside table on her side of the bed. They had never really had sides of the bed until the crash, too busy just wanting to share the space to care which half of the mattress they occupied as long as the other half was taken by their partner. Now they had to make sure Arizona's leg was always in reach.

Fucking plane crash.

Sitting up, Arizona tousled her hair, the other hand sliding unconsciously over to feel that the sheets beside her were cold. Callie and Sofia had been out of bed for a while. Throwing back the sheets Arizona winced as she caught sight of her stump. The long day in the prosthetic had left her swollen and sensitive. Pressing tentatively, she tried to rub some of the sore tension from her shortened thigh. It helped, but she wasn't as good as Callie at it. Maybe she could get some relief if she could ever convince her wife to touch her again.

There was no way she could wear her leg today. Especially not if she was spending the day at home with her family. Her wheelchair was parked in the corner of the bedroom and she moved to the edge of the bed slowly. A hand on the nightstand helped stabilize her enough to reach the chair, pivoting on her good leg and dropping into the seat. Sometimes she hated her wheelchair for being the easiest way to get around the house. It just made her feel so... invalid.

Sighing, Arizona's head dropped. She couldn't even get out of bed without getting depressed. The feelings, emotions about _everything_ , were like a tide inside her, rising and falling back at random. Lately it felt like there was more rising than falling. Everything was heightened and had been for a while. And she'd been trying so hard to keep a lid on it that it had started to feel like she was perpetually vibrating inside with the effort to stifle herself.

Until that on-call room where she'd let her control snap and dissolve into nothing. She'd lost her control and betrayed her marriage. And Callie... Callie had hardly reacted, hadn't even kicked her out of bed. Arizona's throat felt tight and her chest ached. What the hell was happening to her life?

Getting past the closed bedroom door with the chair was easy now, Arizona wheeling herself into the living room and pasting a smile on as she caught sight of Sofia doing her damndest to walk. It would be only be a matter of time now. “Ma-ma,” she announced happily as soon as she saw her.

“Good morning,” Arizona said, leaving her chair in place as Sofia toddled toward her with both hands on the couch for balance.

Watching them from the kitchen, Callie felt her heart swell and twist. Her whole life, this is what she'd wanted – a family with the person she loved. And it all felt threatened right now. Not by something outside, but by something invisible and unsettling. Something she didn't understand and wasn't sure how to overcome. The sight of Arizona leaning over to lift Sofia into her lap, Sofia immediately standing up on her mother's thighs to hug her neck, brought a smile to her lips.

Arizona caught sight of the smile and was suddenly, almost inexplicably, incensed. Except that it wasn't really a surprise. The rage was always near the surface these days. And it took more strength than she had left inside to restrain the anger right now. How dare Callie just smile like there was nothing wrong when she couldn't even tell if the world was still right side up.

“How'd you sleep?” Callie's question was soft spoken, caring and tender. It made Arizona's jaw tighten, her blood boil. “You're up early.”

Arizona's eyes narrowed across the room at her partner. “I cheated on you.” The smile fell off Callie's face in a split second. “How are you still talking to me? You let me sleep in _our_ bed after I had _sex_ with another woman!” Callie's mouth fell open but Arizona blazed ahead, her tone rising. “If you _ever_ cheated on me, Callie, I would kick your ass, I would kick her ass, or his ass. I would kick _everyone's_ ass!” And she'd do it standing on her one leg, too. She choked, hiccuping back an angry sob. Crying wouldn't help her right now. “But you don't even seem to care! Do you care?!” she asked, pleading without realizing it. “You asked me if I love you, but do you still love me?! Because this has never been an open marriage, Callie. Do you not care that I did what I did? If you don't, _tell_ me! Because it was the biggest mistake I have ever made! Bigger than leaving you for Africa! Bigger than -” she stopped abruptly. She'd meant to say 'bigger than getting on the plane' but that simply wasn't true. Her wounded pride and grief getting her on that plane would always be the biggest mistake of her life. That was the way it was. Four days in the woods had cost her her leg, had fundamentally altered _who she was_. And she wasn't sure she could get back to herself. But she'd told herself that was something she could live with. As long as she had Callie.

She'd cheated, yes, but she didn't know what she would do if she'd lost Callie. Her world was upside down, but a world without Callie wasn't worth imagining.

Slumping in her chair Arizona pressed her lips against Sofia's hair and tried not to cry. Thankfully the little girl was oblivious to the crackling tension in the air, pulling on Arizona's shirt lightly and looking around the room. When she was bored she slouched and shimmied herself off of her mother's lap, crawling contentedly across the floor toward her plush leopard.

“Don't stay if you don’t love me.” Arizona watched Sofia, not sure she could watch Callie leave her.

Callie could only stare in disbelief from the far side of the kitchen island. Arizona wasn't looking at her. And seemed to be waiting on her to grab a jacket and walk out the door. Her patience with this whole situation burned away like mist under sunlight, her own temper rising to match Arizona's.

“Okay, you know what? _No_!” Callie marched around the counter, not resisting the urge to pace in front of her wife's chair. “This isn't happening like this! I have _tried_ to be what you needed since the crash. And I have tried _so_ damn hard to get through to you that I am _never_ leaving you! It has never even crossed my mind to leave you, Arizona. I can't survive without you! But you don't want to hear it! You've been waiting on me to walk out the door since I got you back!” Stomping, she leaned over Arizona's wheelchair, both hands on the armrests while her face stopped only inches from Arizona's. “But it's _never_ going to happen,” she promised, her eyes searching her wife's flushed face. “And I don't care how many times I have to say it. Whatever happens, I will be here at the end of the day.”

“I cheated, Callie,” Arizona growled, leaning her head back. “And it doesn't seem to mean anything to you.”

“Did it mean something to you?” countered Callie without moving. “Did _she_ mean something to you?”

“You mean _everything_ to me.”

Callie's face softened spontaneously. “I know that.” Arizona frowned, confused. “That's how I know that you _didn't_ cheat on me,” she said softly. Blonde brows furrowed, a full bottom lip dropping as she sucked in a breath. Callie waited for a beat, praying that Arizona wasn't about to shut down on her again. “I don't know what is happening, sweetheart,” she knelt slowly, cautiously putting both hands on Arizona's good knee. “But I know better than anything that I love you.

“And I love you,” Arizona echoed helplessly.

“Nothing else matters, right?” Callie whispered, head tilting to one side as she locked eyes with Arizona, trying to search her lover's soul, hoping that Arizona could see her heart in her eyes. Her heart jumped when Arizona nodded slowly. “Okay. So no one's running.” Callie licked her lips. “I'm not running,” she promised earnestly.

“But I cheated.” Callie didn't say anything and Arizona's mouth moved for a long second. “Why don't you believe me?”

Callie didn't blink, looking straight into her face. “Because I know you, Arizona. You're not a cheater. You wouldn't cheat on me. You wouldn't betray me. You wouldn't betray our family.”

The worst part was that Arizona agreed with her. She wasn't a cheater. She wouldn't betray her wife, risk losing her daughter. But she remembered exactly what had happened. She had cheated. She had betrayed her wife.

Callie's expression didn't waver. She didn't doubt her.

Hadn't she cheated? She could remember it. She could remember every single second of her infidelity. Callie had pressed her though and it was like her brain had shut off. She could remember that too. Could remember falling into her wife's arms and sobbing brokenly.

“I'm broken,” Arizona whispered. She wasn't sure what was going on in her life, but she knew that. “I don't want to break you.” She found Sofia over Callie's head. “I _can't_ break her.”

Callie wanted to object but didn't. Because Arizona couldn't hear her reassurances right now. “We need help,” she agreed softly. Tiny little hands gripped the back of her shirt suddenly, Sofia grinning happily at her parents. When she smiled like that she looked like Mark. It was unbelievably sweet and cute but it stung sometimes.

The adorable interruption put a stop to their more serious conversation, Callie twisting around to pick up their daughter

“Ma-ma, hungee,” Sofia said, her bottom lip hanging out in a pitiful expression that should be illegal.

Arizona surprised them all with a laugh, Callie's eyebrows rising as she looked up at her partner. “She gets that look from you,” Arizona said, leaning forward to swipe her thumb across the pouty lip. “It's a killer.”

Callie smiled, bouncing Sofia lightly on her hip. “Well, we can't have that, can we?” Arizona held her elbow stable as Callie pushed herself to her feet without her hands. Giving her wife a grateful smile, Callie was relieved to see her expression was more relaxed. “I'm not sure what options we've got with no power, but we'll figure something out.”

“Sure we will,” Arizona agreed, forcing her voice into a cheerful tone, wheeling into the kitchen behind her partner. A moment later the whole building hummed as the electricity snapped back on.


	3. Chapter 3

The roads were still mostly flooded, the majority of Seattle's schools and businesses closed while the city workers did what they could to get Seattle up and running again. Grey-Sloan Memorial was already open, the generators repaired and the electricity restored. Which was good, because they were flooded with patients. Most of the cases were panicked but unhurt residents, but there were more than a few legitimate patients. Which is why Callie had been paged back in to the hospital only twelve hours after she'd left.

Leaning wearily on one elbow against the ER desk, Callie scribbled her signature at the bottom of what was hopefully her last chart of the day. She wanted to be back at home with Arizona and Sofia. There was still so much still in the air between them. Much too much to be stuck here dealing with wrist sprains and dislocations. Her phone buzzed as she leaned over the desk to hand the clipboard to the on-duty nurse.

A message from Arizona scrolled across the screen, the text urging her to stay at the hospital overnight rather than coming back out into the aftermath of the storm. _'Stay safe. I love you.'_ finished the message and Callie smiled at her phone, fingers tapping out a reply. Before she could tap send another body sidled up to the counter beside her. Lauren Boswell's voice made her back tense. The visiting doctor was flirting with the redhead behind the desk and Callie fought the urge to slap the other woman. She didn't have to defend this nurse's honor. And nothing had happened between her and Arizona.

“I need to ask you something.” Her interruption surprised all three of them, the redhead looking annoyed by the diversion of attention from her, while Lauren just gave her a curious glance and an almost friendly smile.

“How can I help you, Dr. Torres?” she asked calmly. As if she hadn't spent every day since her arrival flirting shamelessly with a married woman. Callie again wanted to slap her but restrained herself.

Glancing at the nurse who was now avidly listening, Callie jerked her head away from the desk. Lauren followed her willingly enough, letting Callie pull a curtain to separate them from the noisy Emergency Room. “Okay...” Callie sized the other woman up for a moment. Whether or not that threat had been acted on, this woman had made moves on her wife. “I want to know how Arizona was when you saw her last.”

Lauren sighed, a smile on her lips. It appeared to be her default expression. “Dr. Torres, I already told you that I didn't do anything with -”

“That would be an entirely different type of conversation,” Callie interjected in a growl. “I'm asking how she was. Did she say anything... odd while you were alone together?”

It cracked Lauren's friendly expression, genuine concern peeking through. “What do you mean, 'odd?'”

“Anything you can think of,” Callie said, breathing deep. Any insight she could get would help, even if it came from this woman. “Anything at all.”

“What's happening to her?” Lauren asked, frowning. “I saw you and Dr. Karev talking. You guys looked worried. And she was acting really strange. I'm worried about her too.” Callie sent her a sharp look. “As a friend – a coworker. She's a good doctor,” Lauren tried to explain herself. “If there's something wrong I want to help.”

Callie resisted the urge to roll her eyes, barely. She was trying to be the mature adult here but she wasn't a saint. And if Lauren Boswell cared about anything more than getting into Arizona’s pants it was news to her. “Did anything happen in that on-call room? Anything weird? Anything that set her off?”

“What, exactly, happened with you two?” Lauren asked, settling lightly on the edge of the stripped bed. “Dr. Karev wouldn't tell me.”

“That's because it's between me and my wife,” Callie stated, defensive. Lauren cocked an eyebrow at her and turned as if to go. “Wait, please.” It burned to have to ask her for anything. It would sting worse to admit what Arizona believed had happened, even if Lauren had to have figured it out. She was going to make Callie say it though. “Arizona, I don't know why, but she's convinced that...” she sighed, steeling herself and eying the curtain to her left. “She's convinced that she cheated on me. With you.”

Dr. Boswell made no visual reaction to that statement. “You know it's not true or you would -”

“Be kicking your ass, yeah,” Callie finished for her with a nod. “So what the hell happened in that room?”

Lauren frowned, taking a seat on the other half of the bed and drawing her knee up. “We were just talking about the case, congratulating each other.” She shrugged, trying to think of details that might be pertinent. “It was storming outside, obviously.” Her brows furrowed as she tried to remember the sequence of events. “That was when the lights first went out. There was lightning, and thunder, and the generators failed.”

Callie matched her frown, unconsciously leaning forward. “Did she say something? Do something?”

“She jumped, I guess. I thought maybe she was scared by the lightning,” Lauren said, her eyes searching Callie's face. Callie shook her head slowly. Arizona had never been afraid of storms. She actually liked them, used thunderstorms as an excuse to bring Sofia to bed with them and pull out their softest quilt. “She didn't stay long after the lights went out, just kind of looked out the window for a minute and left.” She shrugged. “I tried to sleep until that bus exploded a few minutes later and I got up to see what I could do to help. Arizona was already in the NICU when I got there.” Her face cleared somewhat as she put more pieces together. “That's why she was acting like that, wasn't it? She thought we'd just had sex,” Callie winced as subtly as she could, unable to control her expression entirely, “and she was avoiding me.” Lauren tried a smile. “That should make you feel better, right? Whatever she thinks she did with me, she also clearly regretted it immediately.”

“That doesn't make me feel better that my wife thinks she cheated on me when she didn't,” Callie stated flatly. “Why the hell would she think that? She's convinced. I told her nothing happened but she doesn't believe me.”

Lauren was quiet for a long moment. “Does she talk about the woods? About any of it?”

Callie stood up abruptly, her expression locked into a cold mask. “We're done here.” Presumed infidelity was one thing. Callie knew she would lose it if she found out Arizona had shared about the crash with this woman. Arizona didn’t talk about the crash. With her, at least. And she couldn't say that it wouldn't devastate her to learn that Arizona had opened up to someone else.

Leaving Dr. Boswell behind without a backward glance, Callie left the ER entirely. Running into Cristina Yang was a surprise, Callie not expecting her friend and former roommate would have returned to the hospital so soon after they'd been relieved. “Hey, what are you doing here?” Cristina asked as she fell into step with Callie.

“Lots of Ortho cases in the pit,” answered Callie with a tired sigh. “What about you?”

“Mer's here. And Alex. So there's nothing for me at home except a big broken window.” She scoffed, shaking her head. “And you know I'm not cleaning _that_ up!”

Callie smiled sideways at her. “I'm sure Owen will help with that once the storm passes.”

Cristina scoffed again, the sound more bitter the second time. “I don't think so.”

Frowning, Callie caught her friend's elbow. “Why not? What happened?” They were alone in the hall and Callie turned the shorter woman by the arms to face her. “I thought you guys were okay.”

“So did I,” the heart surgeon said, shrugging her shoulders. “But he wants kids. And he said he could let it go, but he can't. And I can't do that to him.”

“You don't want kids,” Callie stated knowingly. “Cristina, I'm sorry,” she said. “Do you need to talk?”

Cristina shook her head decisively. “I'm good.” She was clearly ready to change the subject. And Callie had a topic in mind she wanted to talk about but she wasn't sure how to bring it up. “What's on your mind, Torres?” Callie blinked in surprise, not aware that she was being transparent enough for Cristina to read her. “Just spill it.”

Swallowing, Callie licked her lips. “I just – I understand if you can't talk about it, but I had some questions about...”

Cristina understood without her needing to finish the request. “The woods.” Callie nodded almost guiltily. “What about the woods?” Her tone had gone flat, guarded, and Cristina took a half-step back without realizing it.

“Cristina...”

“Just ask,” she countered through gritted teeth. “If it'll help Arizona, I'll talk about it. With you.” It was a clear request for privacy. Callie could be trusted though, wouldn't spread anything she said around the hospital. Callie looked surprised that Cristina knew why she was asking and the shorter woman managed a smile. “She's been doing pretty well hiding it, but we can all see it. She's slipping.” Four days in hell together, you got to know people. “What do you need to know?”

Callie sighed, leaning back against the wall behind her. “Do you have – did it rain up there?”

“It's Washington,” Cristina answered flatly.

“Thunderstorms, I mean,” Callie clarified. “Something happened during the storm...” She glanced from the floor to her friend. Cristina's jaw was tight. “Do you have any problems with thunderstorms?”

“I was busy,” she answered. “I stayed busy. Mer was having a baby. It's a boy. She named him Bailey.” She shook her head, stopping herself. “What happened with Arizona?”

Callie didn't want to relive it again but she knew Cristina would only try and help, not make judgments. “She was in an on-call room with that new visiting doctor, Boswell.” Cristina's eyebrows rose but she didn't say anything. “Nothing happened, but Arizona is convinced that they... slept together.”

“Did they?”

“No!” denied Callie sharply. Cristina just looked doubtful. “Trust me, I know. I looked Boswell in the face. Nothing happened.” She sighed heavily, shoulders slumping. “But Arizona is convinced that she cheated on me. I tried to tell her nothing happened and she just shut down. Alex slapped her to snap her out of it.”

“Karev slapped her?” Cristina's tone was protective and fierce and it warmed Callie's heart. It took a while to break through the Cardio surgeon's exterior, but once you made it there was no more loyal friend than Cristina Yang.

“She's okay. And I hate to say it, but she shut down and I just freaked out...”

“Alex is good at dealing with the crazies,” Cristina acknowledged, grimacing when Callie sent her a sharp look. “Sorry.”

“I have to help her, Cristina. I have to get her back,” said Callie almost desperately.

Cristina nodded, frowning as she crossed her arms over her chest. “You think she was triggered or something by the storm?”

“I don't know. Something is wrong, though.”

“Robbins is tough, Callie,” Cristina said, her voice soft and serious. “She never wavered out there. Even with her leg all messed up, and Mark in her lap dying every two hours.” Callie winced again, her eyes straining with the effort not to cry. “She kept us all from going insane. She couldn't move, was in agony for four days, bugs not even waiting for her to die before they were trying to...” Callie couldn't restrain her tears now, sliding a slow path down both cheeks. Cristina coughed, not intending to have talked so much. “You were all she talked about. The way she talked about you, it was like you were going to swoop down out of the sky and save all of us single handedly. She wasn't going to die without getting back to you and Sofia.” Callie choked audibly. “I'm sorry. I just, I thought that you'd want to know that.”

“Thank you,” Callie ground out, wiping her tears away. “Really, Cristina, thank you.”

Her friend sighed, watching her quietly for a minute. “What are you going to do?”

“Is that something that could happen? Could she be triggered, or whatever, and not even know it?” asked Callie, struggling to lock down her anxiety. How could this happen to the sweetest, most loving and amazing person in the world? It just wasn't fair.

Cristina shrugged, taking a deep breath as she recalled her own bouts with PTSD after the shooting, immediately after the crash. “Freaking out has always just snuck up on me,” she said. “I haven't gotten on a plane since I got back.” She looked sympathetic and it made Callie's chest tighten. You were in a bad place if Cristina Yang was clearly pitying you. “PTSD looks different on everyone though.”

“You think she has PTSD?” Callie asked, surprised by the diagnosis.

Cristina laughed bitterly, her head shaking. “We all do.” She met Callie's eyes, her expression stoic. “Me and Mer and Derek, we've all had it before. After the shooting. And now...”

“Are you okay?” asked Callie softly. She'd been giving every thought to Arizona for what felt like forever now. But her friends had been hurt too.

“I'll be fine,” Cristina said with a self-deprecating shrug. “Nothing I haven't gotten through before.”

This wasn't like before though. And Arizona was different than her, was perky, happy, innocent, had a wife and a daughter who needed her. She had Meredith and Derek. She wasn't sure Callie and Arizona even knew where to start coping with this. Cristina had known Callie for a long time now though, known her when she was with George, seen her deal with her husband's infidelity and start up her thing with Mark, been annoyed with her roommate the whole time she'd been with Erica, watched her pick up the pieces after the Cardio god had walked away. And she'd seen her fall in love with Arizona. None of the others compared, nothing more than dips on the road. Whatever it took to get through this, to get her wife back, Callie Torres would do it.

“I think we need help,” Callie whispered, eyes falling to the floor. “I don't know what to do anymore, Cristina.”

Moving off the wall opposite, Cristina leaned beside her friend. She didn't know what to say. So she didn't say anything, just stood beside her in silence.

The quiet was nice, standing beside a friend, stifling when it was just her in an on-call room for the night. Callie just wanted to go home but she knew there was no point. She'd just be called back here. And the roads were dangerous right now. But she wasn't going to be able to sleep either. Her wife was sick. And they were doctors but this wasn't something she could cure. She didn't even know where to start helping.

Callie had only just closed her eyes when the door burst open in front of Alex Karev and Jo Wilson. The intern was giggling and Alex's hand was under her scrub top. They froze when he spotted Callie on the bottom bunk. “Torres, sorry. Yang told me this one was empty.”

Callie groaned as she stood up, sliding one hand across her tired eyes. “No problem. I'll go.”

Frowning at the look on her face, Alex released Jo to catch her arms in either hand. “What's wrong? How's Arizona?”

Behind them Jo cleared her throat. “Dr. Karev, I'll find you later.”

She let herself out and Callie shot a look up at Alex. “An intern, Karev?” He started to object and Callie waved him silent as she sat back down on the edge of the bed. “You know what? I'm sorry. If she makes you happy then don't let her go,” she advised.

Alex studied her expression in the dark, tentatively sitting next to her on the edge of the bed. “How's Arizona?” he asked again softly.

“What do you know about PTSD?” asked Callie, hands hanging as she leaned forward with her elbows on her knees. “You've been around her. Do you think she could have it?”

Alex took a moment to consider his answer. “Robbins keeps a lid on things,” he said slowly. “That's how she runs the department and it's why she's the best in the OR.” He sighed. “She's been stressed but she tries not to let it show.” One hand rubbed at the top of his head. “She worries about you worrying about her.”

“What are you saying, Alex?”

“Something's got to give,” he said with a shrug. “And who knows what happened to them out there. Yang still falls asleep with the lights on.” Callie's eyebrows rose in surprise. “Is Arizona okay? The thing that happened in the storm?” He tried a grin. “Did you kick Boswell's ass?”

“Not yet,” Callie answered, smirking in spite of herself. Alex was a good guy. She understood why Arizona had given him so much consideration. And personally he'd been a good friend to her through all of this. “I would if I had to, of course. But nothing happened. My priority is Arizona.” That went without saying. Everyone in the hospital knew that. “I don't know what happened the other night, but Yang thinks Arizona has Post Traumatic Stress.”

Alex nodded slowly. “She would know, wouldn't she? She cracked up on the OR floor after the shooting, remember?”

“I remember.” And she remembered Arizona falling in her OR after her return to work. Alex had helped her up, made sure she was okay. It could have easily been worse. It would very likely still get worse before anything got better. “I just – I need to help her.”

“You will,” Alex said, leaning forward beside her. “And she didn't cheat on you. That's a good start, right?”

Brown eyes rolled. “Yes, that's a good start,” she agreed sarcastically. “I'm very glad my wife didn't cheat on me. The rest of it,” she sighed heavily, “we're still trying to figure it out.”

Outside the window a distant rumble of thunder warned of another incoming storm.


	4. Chapter 4

Unlike her mother, Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres had never liked thunderstorms and as soon as the pressure changed outside she'd started whimpering and crying. Arizona's stump was still too sore and raw to wear her prosthetic though, so she couldn't pace her daughter around the apartment to soothe her. Instead she had to rely on singing and the rocking chair. And she had just succeeded in calming Sofia when a knock sounded on the door. “What the-?” Arizona mustered a smile for Sofia, leaning in to nuzzle her nose against the miniature Torres nose of her baby girl. “Let's go see who's at the door, huh?” She dragged them cautiously from the rocking chair to her wheelchair, hoping that whoever was at the door was prepared to be patient. She wasn't exactly light on her feet anymore. “I'm coming!” she called, raising her voice to be heard from outside. Another rumble of thunder had Sofia hugging her stuffed animal and cuddling close to her mother's chest as Arizona rolled them toward the front door.

One hand held Sofia's back as Arizona leaned forward to reach the knob. “Hi,” a sopping wet Lauren Boswell greeted her, leaning in the open doorway and grinning at Sofia. She made showing up soaking wet on the doorstep work for her though. “Hey, cutie.” Her gaze moved up to Arizona and she winked. “And you can tell your wife that that is directed at the baby, not you.” Her smile sobered slightly. “She's really worried about you.”

“Where is she?” Arizona asked, brows furrowing. This woman's presence confused her, made her nervous. She couldn't deny the tingle of attraction that was still present. And her mind was able to conjure up more than memories of innocent flirting. Memories that she was supposed to believe _hadn't_ actually happened? They felt real enough. “And what are you doing here? How do you know where we live?”

Lauren rocked forward on her toes, smiling playfully. “Callie's at the hospital. Can they even run the ER without her? She was getting paged for everything.”

“She's the best,” Arizona declared loyally, a warning edge to her tone. Anyone who said otherwise would answer to her. “What are you doing here?” she asked again. Lauren was dripping with rain, her hair hanging in wet tendrils around her face, some of them sticking to her neck, and her shoes squeaked when she shifted her weight. Arizona hated herself for thinking that she looked good. She counted it to her credit that if it was Callie standing in front of her soaking wet she would already have her shirt off and be moving toward their bedroom. She hadn't even let Boswell in the apartment.

The other woman was shivering though. Sighing, Arizona rolled her chair back enough for Lauren to come in out of the hallway. “Thanks,” Lauren said, not waiting for an invitation before she started walking around the living room. She smiled at the family photos on the tables, over the fireplace.

“Oh yeah, sure, help yourself,” Arizona muttered under her breath, smiling when it made Sofia giggle. “Is that funny, big girl?” she asked softly, kissing dark hair. Sofia picked up the heart charm of her necklace and closed her fist around it, her head still leaning into Arizona’s chest. “Did you just come over for the tour?”

“I came to check on you,” Lauren said, picking up a picture of Sofia with all three of her parents. “She's got his smile.”

Arizona combed gentle fingers through Sofia's hair. “She does.” She'd kept Mark alive in the woods by reminding him of their daughter's smile.

“She's cute. You've got a cute family,” Lauren commented, sending them a smile over her shoulder.

“Thank you,” said Arizona shortly. She was getting more and more uncomfortable with Lauren's persistence. She wished she'd never let her inside. “Do you know when Callie's leaving?”

“Probably not for a while. There was a fresh car crash coming in when I ducked out.” Lauren continued circling the room to lean back against the kitchen counter. “You've got a nice place here. And it's so close to the hospital. Have you lived here long?”

“Why are you here, Lauren?” Arizona asked impatiently. Sofia pulled on her necklace and she smoothed the toddler's hair again. “I need to get my daughter to bed.”

The other doctor laughed, simply crossing her arms. “Am I keeping you?”

“You know what you're doing,” said Arizona, her tone sharp. “I have a wife. My daughter is sitting in my lap. But you're still here. Why is that?” She rolled forward, the door still open behind her.

“I was worried about you. A lot of your friends seem worried too. And you're over here alone,” Lauren said with a smile. “I just wanted to check on you.”

Arizona stroked Sofia's back. “I appreciate the concern, but my friends have the right to check up on me. I've known you a week. But you're here. And we haven't had a conversation where you haven't flirted with me. My _wife_ is the one I want flirting with me.”

Lauren's smile didn't slip. “But does she? Since the crash? Because you're a beautiful woman, Arizona. If she can't appreciate that, there would be women lining up for -”

“Shut up,” Arizona interrupted, feeling lightheaded. She'd said those words before – to Callie. That had been ages ago though. And it didn't matter. Because the only woman she wanted was her wife. “You can't come into my house and talk to me like that.” She sounded less than convincing and cleared her throat. “I think you should leave. Go back to the hospital. And don't come back here.”

Studying her for a long moment, Lauren let her hand drag across the back of the seated woman's shoulders as she passed her on her way to the door. The light touch, a thumb lingering to rub a circle at the back of her neck, sent a shiver down her spine. Warm breath touched her cheek and she flinched away. Fingers brushed her neck and Arizona sucked in a sharp breath.

“Stop,” she gasped as Lauren leaned in, able to feel the heat of the other woman's body against her back.

“You don't mean that,” whispered Lauren, her words tickling Arizona's ear.

And for half a second, maybe, she didn't mean it. Callie had faith in her, though. Callie believed that she wouldn't do this. And the memories were in her head, but she would _not_ do it again. Another rumble of thunder outside made Sofia jump and it snapped Arizona out of her haze. “Yes, I do,” she insisted through gritted teeth, wheeling her chair forward. “It's okay, baby. Mama's here,” Arizona whispered to her daughter. “I've got you.” She spared a glance over her shoulder. “You should probably get going before the rain gets any worse. Goodbye, Dr. Boswell,” she said pointedly, nodding toward the open door. Sofia whimpered as lightning flashed outside the window, looking up at Arizona with a trembling lip. “I'm right here, sweetheart. It's okay.” She kept her attention on the baby, hoping that ignoring the problem of Dr. Boswell would make her go away. She shifted her weight in her chair and rocked them back and forth slowly. “That's my girl,” Arizona whispered when Sofia tucked her head into her shoulder, kissing her face.

When she looked up again they were alone, the door still open to the hall. Rubbing Sofia's back, Arizona edged forward to close the door and flip the lock. She took a deep breath as the thunder echoed again. The power flickered and Sofia's tears renewed in earnest. “Ma-ma...”

Hushing her, Arizona held her close, closing her eyes and trying to steady suddenly shaky breathing. She was choking, her face flushed, and she realized that she was crying too. Sofia responded to her mother's tears with her own cries and Arizona hugged her close, whispering to her, “I'm sorry, baby. Mama's sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.” Trying to stifle her own tears, Arizona rocked Sofia against her shoulder as she tried to calm her down.

After a minute of being unable to stop her own tears or her daughter's Arizona did the only thing she could think of to help and dug her phone out of her pocket. The phone rang three times before it was picked up, Callie's voice distant from the speaker. She was in surgery, perfect. But Arizona was suddenly able to suppress her tears, not wanting her wife to know that she had been crying. It was something she'd become painfully good at since the crash. “Arizona, are you there? Is everything okay?”

Arizona took a shaky breath, praying silently that her voice would hold steady. “Hey, yeah, we're okay. Little Miss just wanted to hear your voice. She's a little freaked by all this thunder, aren't you, baby boo?” Sofia was still crying, though she was starting to lose some steam.

Callie's tone softened immediately and Arizona couldn't help a watery smile. Callie Torres loved being a respected bone breaker, but motherhood had softened her and it was beautiful to witness. “Aww, sweetheart, it's okay. You're with Mama and she's going to get you all snuggled up and warm, alright? And I'm right across the street and I'll be home soon, I promise. Okay, Sofia? I love you.”

“Lovoo,” cooed Sofia between hoarse breaths, a phrase she'd just recently added to her repertoire of words and one that never failed to make her parents' hearts beat faster.

“Aww, mija, I love you so much!” Callie cooed back, not caring one bit that she was in an OR surrounded by her peers. Her baby had just said she loved her. As far as she was concerned everyone in the room was dying with jealousy and she didn't care at all if that wasn't the case.

Sofia's breathing was still ragged but she accepted the pacifier Arizona offered, blinking watery dark eyes up at her mother. “The chupo is in,” Arizona said quietly into the phone. “Thank you, Callie.”

“I'll be home soon,” promised Callie. “We're finishing up now. Don't wait up though.” Her voice was muffled by suction for a second and as it finished Arizona heard her say, “Dr. Boswell, could you -?”

The rest of the request was muted but Arizona could only hear the blood rushing through her head. Because it had only been minutes since Lauren Boswell had left her apartment. Not nearly enough time to have returned to the hospital and be scrubbed in with Callie. She felt suddenly lightheaded.

Callie had been _so sure_ that she wasn't a cheater, that nothing had happened between her and Lauren. And she hadn't wanted to hear it. Because if the memories in her head were untrue then there was something else, something much scarier, wrong with her. Was she crazy for preferring the possibility that she'd cheated, made a horrible mistake, to the chance that she was losing her mind? Because she could remember every second of what she'd done with Lauren. But Callie _knew_ it wasn't true.

And if she was so sure she'd just asked Lauren to leave her home, then how in the hell was she across the street at the hospital scrubbed into surgery with her wife?

“Callie...”

“What? Arizona, are you okay?”

Clearing her throat, Arizona had to blink back fresh tears. “Uh – um – what are you working on?” she asked, her voice rough, trembling. Her hands were shaking and she tightened her grip on her phone.

In the OR Callie frowned. She could hear in her voice the sudden note of fear Arizona was struggling (and failing) to hide. “Honey, what's wrong? Talk to me.”

“W-what's the surgery? It's a good one?” Arizona closed her eyes, squeezing them tight enough to make light flash behind her lids.

“Good enough to get a few extra hands in here to assist,” Callie said, frowning and furrowing her brows across the table at Lauren Boswell. “I'm going to scrub out. I'm coming home now.”

“No!” Arizona yelped, making Sofia twitch in her arms. “You stay. I'm okay.”

“You're not,” Callie stated flatly. “Arizona -”

“Callie, stay there,” Arizona said, forcing the words out between clenched teeth. She felt like she was on the edge of hyperventilating. She hadn't hyperventilated since her father had called her to tell her that her brother was dead. She'd dropped the phone and just shut down while her world fell apart. That couldn't happen here, while she had her baby in her arms.

And then Lauren Boswell spoke up, “Dr. Torres, I'd be happy to finish the procedure...”

“Your patient needs you,” said Arizona loudly, barely maintaining her last shred of composure. “I am – I've got this!” she insisted.

“Arizona...”

“Don't leave your surgery,” Arizona said, relieved when Callie sighed heavily, monitors suddenly blaring in the background.

“I have to go, Arizona. But I changed my mind. You have to wait up on me. We need to talk,” Callie said, her voice distracted. “I'll be there in an hour. Okay?” And she was tempted to tell her wife to stay on the line the whole time, but she really did need to focus on the patient in front of her. And Arizona would need both hands to get Sofia in bed. She wouldn't signal the nurse to hang up until she heard confirmations from Arizona though.

“Okay.”

“You'll wait up?” Callie checked.

“I'll wait up,” sighed Arizona, heel of her free hand rubbing at her eyes. Her head was pounding. But Sofia was drooping in her arms, her crying calmed into quiet sniffling. As always, the first priority was her daughter. She could worry about herself _after_ Sofia was safely in bed.

Wheeling them back into the little girl's bedroom, Arizona shifted them carefully back to the rocking chair they'd been occupying before the interruption. That seemingly might have not happened? Certainly if Dr. Boswell had never left the hospital tonight. But she couldn't find that out from Callie without freaking her wife out in surgery. And she needed a minute to figure all of this out.

One hand rubbed Sofia's back as they rocked, Arizona's free hand reaching for her phone again. Alex answered with a groan of “What?”

“Did I wake you up, Karev?” Arizona asked mildly.

“A tree went through my window,” he growled as he turned over. “I'm crashing at the hospital until I can get it fixed. Aren't you at home? Our patients are fine.”

“I'm not – I need you to tell me one thing and I'll let you go back to sleep.”

“Shoot,” Alex prompted wearily.

“Has Dr. Boswell left the hospital tonight? I know she's in surgery with Callie now, but...”

“Dude, what's your deal with her? Because Callie has been pretty good, I think, dealing with whatever you've got going on with her, but...”

Arizona interrupted impatiently, “There is nothing going on with her. Just answer the question, Alex. Has she been there all night?”

Starting to wake up and catch on, Alex sat up. “As far as I know,” he said. “Callie's case came into the pit around seven. There's a lot of facial fractures so Boswell has been with her the whole time. Is that what you needed to know?”

Sighing, Arizona said, “Yes.”

“Are you – did something happen, Robbins?”

“It's under control, Alex,” she said flatly, her jaw tight. “Get some sleep. And I'm sorry about your house.”

“Arizo-” She hung up on him before he could continue. He cared, she knew it. She just couldn't deal with it right now. She had to do this on her own. Or maybe she didn’t, but it felt like she should. And she probably shouldn't have hung up on Alex, if only because she knew he'd go to Callie.

In the meantime she would get Sofia to bed and try and figure out the best way to deal with whatever the hell was happening to her. She knew she'd been stressed out, had anger issues lately, but she'd been coping as best she could. This was something else. She was seeing things, couldn't trust her eyes, her own head. And that thought made her blood run cold.

Sofia moved against her chest and Arizona sucked in a deep breath and held it. She couldn't be like this and be around her baby girl. She couldn't be trusted if she couldn't trust herself. Sofia's fingers tightened in her shirt, the baby sighing softly. Sofia trusted her, it was obvious. But she shouldn't. Not if her mother couldn't trust her own mind.

Leaning forward to drop the side of the crib, Arizona carefully shifted Sofia to her bed and covered her up. She kept one hand gently on her daughter's soft tummy. She could never do anything to endanger this. She had to be the mother Sofia trusted her to be. She needed to be the wife Callie deserved.

She couldn't be either of those until she had her head on straight. And she was a stubborn, independent woman, but she'd been trying to deal with this on her own for months now and she was still lost in the woods. Maybe she needed some help. Either way, she wasn't sure she trusted herself alone around Sofia until she knew that she was out of those damn woods. Callie wouldn't understand, she knew that. Her poor wife had been trying _so_ hard since the crash. But she hadn't been there. And she was glad for that, she really was. Callie should never have to go through this.

Callie had gone through her own aftermath of the crash, fearing for her life, for Mark's life, for the future of her family. Arizona knew that and respected it. It simply couldn't be compared to what they'd survived in the woods.

And whatever was going on with her, she had to take care of herself. Like she'd kept herself alive in the woods. For her family. She had to come back for her family.

Now though, she had to protect her family the best way she knew how. And Callie wouldn't understand what she needed to do. But she needed to do it. She had to do what was best for her daughter. Right now, maybe that meant some distance. Until she could trust her own head. Until she wasn't seeing people who weren't there, having entire conversations (and more) with a woman who wasn't present.

Sofia was asleep now but Arizona lingered, wanting to bask in her baby's presence. Leaning forward, she kissed a soft cheek lightly. “I love you more than anything,” she whispered, combing light fingers through soft hair. “So did your daddy.”

Choking on sudden emotion Arizona pushed her chair backwards, wheeling out of the bedroom and through the living room toward her own bedroom. It was too hard to reach the suitcase in the top of their closet without her prosthetic, but she could reach the duffle bag she used for her weekly physical therapy sessions. Pulling out some stale workout clothes with a grimace, she dropped them to the floor and tossed the bag to the foot of her bed.

It took a startlingly short amount of time to pack up a few outfits, the toiletries she would need from the bathroom, enough to get her through a few nights away from home, and find the key to Mark's apartment in the junk drawer where they'd left it. She dropped the bag beside the door and the realization sunk in as she looked at the blue surface in front of her. She wasn't going far, she'd never intended to go further than the empty apartment next door that they still owned. But some sadistic voice in the back of her mind was whispering to her now. She was packed up and wouldn't it be easier for Callie, for Sofia, if she went further than just across the hall? Wouldn't it be easier for all of them if she just left for good? 

Sofia wouldn't remember her, like she wouldn't remember Mark. Wouldn't know that she'd once had three parents who'd loved her with everything they were. And Callie was a fantastic mother. She didn't need the help. Callie didn't need her. At least not the traumatized version of herself that she was now. Callie was a wonderful person, the best partner anyone could hope for. She could move on with her life without a one-legged anchor dragging her down.

And if she left she wouldn't have to deal with her break from reality. Anyone she met would never have to know that she had ever been anyone different. She could be bitter and angry and it wouldn't matter because she'd left her life behind.

The thoughts horrified her, scared her worse than the specter of Lauren Boswell, but she couldn't deny how easy it would be to lean into the idea. Leaving would be hard, but it would be easier on them all in the long run, wouldn't it? Callie could just say she'd died in the crash. She wasn't sure yet that she hadn't. And Sofia would never know the difference. She could move somewhere with no woods, where it never rained and nothing would remind her that a plane had fallen out of the sky and killed the person she had been.

Callie's key in the lock made her jump, her eyes closing. This wasn't going to be pretty.

Arizona was parked so close to the door that it hit her foot as Callie opened it. She didn't open her eyes though, didn't react at all. She just held her breath and waited for Callie to notice the bag. 

It didn't take her long, nerveless fingers dropping her phone and keys to the floor. “What the hell, Arizona?”

Arizona had expected surprise, angry yelling, but Callie's voice was calm, flat, almost resigned. It hurt worse than screaming ever could. “It's not what it looks like,” she objected, only to have her explanation cut off by Callie.

“You're leaving me!” she said, volume rising. It was almost a relief for Arizona to see an emotional reaction from her wife.

“No,” Arizona denied patiently. “Not like you mean.” Callie just pinned her with a glare. “I'm sick. PTSD, or shock, or something.” Brown eyes blinked but she didn't speak. “I'm seeing things that aren't there, Callie.”

“Lauren Boswell,” breathed Callie.

“She was here, earlier,” Arizona told her, watching the play of emotions across her partner's face. “Except she was really in surgery with you. And I was here alone with Sofia.” Callie's face cleared as she understood where Arizona was coming from. “I could have – anything could have happened, Callie!”

“You would never -”

“I can't risk that -”

They were speaking over each other now, eyes locked. Callie knew that Arizona would never harm Sofia, the way she knew that her wife wouldn't cheat on her. But just like being sure of her own infidelity, she could see that Arizona was severely doubting herself right now. She had no faith in her ability to keep her baby safe.

“Don't do this,” Callie requested, her voice quiet again. “Whatever is going on, we'll deal with it. Don't leave...”

“I have to,” insisted Arizona. “I couldn't live with myself if I did anything to her.”

“She needs you here, Arizona.” the brunette countered. “ _I_ need you here!”

Arizona sighed. There was no way Callie would ever accept this was the right choice. It just simply would never compute for her. “I'm just going to Ma- across the hall. And-”

“And, what? And you'll see me at work? You'll see Sofia at daycare?” Callie demanded incredulously. “What the hell?! You are my wife! You have a daughter! You cannot just leave! You have responsibilities!”

“And I don't want to leave,” Arizona stated before Callie could get too loud and wake Sofia. “But I don't trust myself alone with her. So I'm going to go.” Their eyes locked, Callie's expression fuming and furious. Arizona broke the gaze, her eyes falling to the bag beside her chair.

Callie could only stare as Arizona pulled her bag into her lap with a grunt. “Don't,” she repeated, broken again. “Please don't do this.” Her heart broke when the door swung closed behind her wife's wheelchair. The anger was quick on the heels of the pain, though. Everything she'd been trying to do, all these months trying to keep her family together and she'd been left again. Arizona had the right to feel her feelings, but she was feeling the right to some righteous anger right now. And maybe Arizona had found it easy to walk out on her ( _again_ ) but she might not find it so easy to walk back in again.


	5. Chapter 5

The first day after she left home Arizona couldn't sleep. She wouldn't be able to sleep in Mark's bed so she hadn't even tried. His couch, like the rest of his furniture, had been covered with sheets while they had (or hadn't) decided what they were going to do with his stuff. His sofa was comfy though. It didn't help her relax enough to sleep.

Callie hadn't responded to her texts, hadn't called her back the next morning. When she'd walked out the door to go to work she'd hesitated but decided to peek into her home. The door was locked, the lights off and the apartment empty when Arizona had unlocked it to check. She couldn't be around them for the moment, it didn't mean she didn't care. She was going to work her ass off to get better though, get herself home.

Arizona approached the psych department about counseling after her first surgery the first day but nerves had her walking out of the waiting room only to walk back in ten minutes later. She had to leave five minutes before the appointment when her pager summoned her to the NICU.

Spotting Callie in the cafeteria after her surgery Arizona tried to approach her but her wife shot her a glare and brushed past her with her tray. “I'm – Callie...” Sighing, her shoulders slumped. She'd known better than to expect that Callie would understand. But she was doing what she had to do, for her family. It was still disappointing and upsetting that her wife wasn't speaking to her.

Sofia was infinitely more excited to see her at daycare, noisy and clapping as soon as she saw her mother. One morning away from her felt like forever. Sofia agreed, holding her hands up to be picked up before Arizona was even in the room. “Good morning, sweetheart,” Arizona greeted her happily, holding her wiggly baby girl over her head and laughing. “I'm so sorry I missed breakfast this morning. But I love you.”

Her daughter was perfect innocence, smiling and happy. And she loved her mother. It was in her face, the way she looked at her. She had absolute faith in Arizona. It was a shame that Arizona didn't have the same trust in herself. But she was going to work on it. She needed to be better. Because she couldn't stay away from her baby. She needed to be there for every day of her life.

Lunch and another marathon surgery kept her from psych for the rest of the day but after another lonely night on a couch Arizona was siting in the waiting room first thing on her day off, her good knee bouncing restlessly. She honestly hated this. Maybe it was pride but she had never thought there was something she wouldn't be able to handle on her own. She hated that she needed help. But that fact had been made undeniable. She had been trying on her own and she might as well still be in the woods.

Arizona knew she needed to come home. For Callie and Sofia. But for her own sake too. She didn't want to be this person anymore. And maybe she couldn't be the person she'd been before the plane crash, but she didn't want to be this angry, bitter woman either. She wanted to be someone she liked. Someone Callie could love.

So no matter how uncomfortable it made her, she was going to keep her ass in this chair and she was going to go in the office and talk to someone who stood a chance in hell of helping her.

“Dr. Robbins, it's nice to see you.” The psychiatrist she'd been assigned was older, a woman, someone who actually reminded her a little of her grandma. Arizona hated her a little bit in spite of that. The soft tone, the compassion, it just grated on her. She had one leg, she didn't need any more unwanted sympathy. “Why don't you tell me why you're here?”

Arizona was frustrated already. Perfect start. Gritting her teeth, she didn't say anything.

“I understand this is hard, Dr. Robbins. But you came to me. So we'll take this as quickly or slowly as you like. I'm Dr. Connor. Leanne. If you're comfortable with it, feel free to call me Leanne.”

“Arizona,” the blonde said hoarsely. “Call me Arizona.”

“Very nice to meet you, Arizona,” said Leanne with a soft smile.

The thing that surprised Arizona the most about her first day of therapy was how exhausted she was at the end of it. It didn't rival learning to walk again but it was considerable. And just from talking. They hadn't talked about the crash, even, or anything that had happened since then. They'd just made introductory chit-chat. Arizona had shown off pictures of Sofia and Callie on her phone.

But she was exhausted. Slouched over a cup of strong, heavily sugared coffee in the cafeteria, she was utterly exhausted. But going back to Mark's, alone, it was the last thing she wanted to do. So she sat by herself in the hospital and stared into her cup.

Alex wasn't paying attention to the fact that she wasn't in scrubs when he flopped into the chair next to her, already pushing a file across the table to her. “So I've got this kid and I don't really know -” He stopped when she sighed heavily. “What's up?”

“I'm not working today, Dr. Karev,” Arizona told him, listlessly stirring her coffee.

“You're here,” he said, frowning at her. “Do you have a board meeting or something?”

She shook her head without speaking, watching the stirrer make little waves in the dark liquid. She only looked up when Alex snatched the cup from her. “Hey! That's mine!”

“Tell me what's going on and you can have it back,” Alex bargained, narrowing his eyes at her. “Did you and Torres have a fight or something?”

Arizona sighed again, looking at her stolen coffee cup with a wistful look on her face. “She's not speaking to me currently, no,” she admitted. “I slept at Mar – across the hall the last two nights.” Alex blinked in clear surprise, not expecting that. “Callie's not happy.”

“Why would you move out?”

“I did _not_ move out!” Arizona barked shortly. “I am doing what I've got to do. For Sofia and for Callie.”

Alex wanted to ask for an explanation, for details, but he restrained himself. “Callie doesn't see it that way?” he wisely guessed.

“No, she does _not_ ,” said Arizona, tone dull again. “Give me my coffee back, Alex,” she ordered. He started to hand it to her but snatched it away before she could take it. “What?! What more of my business do you need to know before you give me my drink back?”

Even when he was being an ass she was rarely so short with him and he blinked again, surprised by the outburst. “Hey, I'm trying to be a friend here, or whatever.” Arizona stared at him almost incredulously. “You're the one sitting here alone on your day off.” He huffed. “Maybe I shouldn't have bothered.”

He started to stand up but Arizona caught his arm before he could move. Their eyes met but it took her a moment to speak, her mouth working without words escaping. “You know, I mean, you were there during the storm. You know something is... going on with me.” Alex nodded, taking care not to interrupt. He just leaned forward with his elbows on the table. Arizona's coffee was forgotten between his arms. “It's not safe for me to be around Sofia. Not until I figure out what is happening to me. Not until I can get it under control.”

Alex sighed. He had been there the night of the storm, had seen Arizona after she thought she'd cheated. She had been distraught and anxious, scared of Callie's reaction and angry at herself for doing it. She had _believed_ that she'd done it. But it hadn't happened. Callie had known something was wrong that night and she had been right. And if it had happened again, if Arizona thought she couldn't trust her mind, he could see how she would fear for her daughter's safety. Personally he thought that nothing she saw could ever convince Arizona to put Sofia in any kind of risk. But it wasn't his place to say that. He could be her friend but he couldn't say that to her.

What he said instead was, “You'll do it.” Arizona’s next deep breath sounded almost relieved. “If I can help, you'll let me know.” It wasn't a question. Arizona sucked in a sharp breath, her eyes focused on something over his shoulder. Alex glanced behind him to see Callie walking in with Sofia on her hip.

Arizona hadn't seen them together since she'd left the apartment. Her heart ached at not being beside them. Callie looked tired. Sofia was fussy, fidgeting and unhappy. “I gotta go, Karev,” she told him before he could give her the same advice. Arizona left her coffee on the table and didn't look back. Callie sighed when Arizona snaked an arm past her to pay for their lunch with a twenty while she was still trying to juggle baby, phone, and wallet.

Sofia was immediately clamoring for Arizona to take her, Callie letting her weight shift to Arizona's arms without a word. “Hey,” Arizona whispered to her happily, kissing a baby-soft cheek and smiling as it earned her a giggle. “How are you, my baby? I missed you.” And Sofia had clearly missed her, wiggling and smiling. “Someone's squirmy today!”

Callie had been silent but she couldn't stop a soft scoff. She couldn't believe how nonchalant Arizona was acting about all of this. She'd left her, walked out on her family, but she didn't think anything of walking up to them in the cafeteria, paying for lunch, playing with Sofia and being adorable. And tired. Arizona looked tired. But beautiful. But it was Arizona's decision that had brought them to this. She didn't get to swoop back in and be her hero right now.

“What's that about?” Arizona asked mildly, giving her a look over their daughter's head. She knew what it was about though. Callie didn't understand. “I know you don't -”

“No, Arizona, you know what? You missed Sofia because _you_ left. And she misses you. She hasn't been sleeping because _you_ left,” Callie said bitterly, doing them both a favor and keeping her voice down.

“I had to -” Arizona started to protest.

“No!” Callie denied her again, stepping in close and lowering her voice even further. “You didn't _have_ to do this! I asked you, I _begged_ you not to leave us! We are married, Arizona! If you have a problem, I have a problem. And we deal with these things _together_. You don't leave me, _again_. You don't walk out on _our_ daughter!”

Arizona's mouth dropped open but she didn't interrupt. Callie had every right to be pissed at her. She knew that. But her wife wasn't ready to deal with the woods. _She_ wasn't ready to deal with the woods. She wanted to be though. She wanted to try and move forward. And she wanted to move forward with Callie. So if she had to let her be mad, that was what she had to do.

There was something she needed to be sure of though. Callie could be mad, but Arizona had to be sure that she wasn't mad enough to keep Sofia away from her. “You – I – Sofia. She's my baby.”

“Because you thought about that before you left us?” Callie snapped back, not willing to let her wife off the hook easily. She would never take Sofia away from her though. She was just mad. But Arizona was Sofia's mother. “We made promises to each other, Arizona!”

In a constant state of rise and fall since the plane crash, Arizona's anger surged up suddenly. She wasn't even sure what had caused it until her mouth opened to let out a bitter laugh. “Promises! You want to talk about promises?! What about when you promised I would wake up with both legs?!”

Neither one knew how to react to that, Callie stumbling back two long steps. Arizona squeezed her eyes closed, holding Sofia closer unconsciously. Part of her couldn't believe that she'd actually said it while the rest of her felt a strange sense of relief. She'd been trying to bury it, had almost convinced herself that she had even done it. But it was still there, festering and growing in the back of her mind. And it was out now, the thorn in her side that had been poisoning her since she'd woken up without her left leg.

Callie wasn't relieved. She wasn’t relieved at all. She was horrified. All this time. All the progress they'd made – or that she'd thought they'd made. All of that and Arizona blamed her for taking her leg. How in the hell could they move past that?

“Callie...” Arizona was hoarse, her voice trembling and scared.

Callie couldn't hear it right now. “No,” she denied, her own voice like gravel. Staring at each other, Callie could feel her heart pounding in her chest. Arizona looked upset, rocking Sofia unconsciously and stroking her daughter's back lightly. One of them should probably say something, they couldn't just stay in the cafeteria staring. But Callie would be damned if she could think of a single word that would make a difference.

The silence was tense, growing more taut every second. Callie felt numb, her mind blank. She couldn't be here right now. All of a sudden she had to get out. She couldn't just stand here, not saying anything, across from her one-legged wife who blamed her. Her hands waving, she turned to go.

“I'm in therapy,” said Arizona quickly, the only thing she could think of saying next that wouldn't end with Callie slapping her. Or worse, leaving without saying a word. Callie stopped walking away but didn't turn around. “Well, I mean, I had my first session this morning.” Sofia curled into Arizona's shoulder, content now that she had been held by both of her mothers. “So it's early, but I _am_ trying. And it was terrible, honestly. But I want to be better, Callie. I'm going to get better.”

Clearing her throat, Callie nodded. That was good news, really. And she was relieved. But this latest revelation, what felt like another massive roadblock for their relationship, it was taking all of her attention right now. “Okay,” she ground out. “I – uh – I'm going to go.” Sofia's lunch was still on the counter beside them with her own still steaming coffee. “Can you -?”

Arizona nodded, both arms wrapped around her daughter. “I'll give her her lunch. And I'll take her to daycare.” She had the day off, could have spent the whole day with Sofia. If she could risk being alone with her baby. One session of therapy wasn't nearly enough to restore her faith in herself that much. Her decision to leave, to distance herself until she could be sure she was safe with Sofia, wasn't one she had made lightly and it wouldn't be one she discarded because being away from her girls was one of the hardest things she'd ever done.

As long as she was around people who could alert her if she started doing anything strange, there was no reason she couldn't spend time with Sofia inside the hospital. Because this, this was hard. Holding Sofia made it easier for a moment. Her daughter was a tiny, living, breathing reminder of what she was doing this for.

If she saw Lauren Boswell she'd just take Sofia and run the other way.

Callie shook her head, still speechless, and stumbled out of the cafeteria. She still trusted Arizona with Sofia, even if her partner couldn't trust herself. How could Arizona ever trust her again though? If Arizona blamed her for losing her leg, how could Callie ever expect her to trust her with anything else? How could they possibly get past that?

She supposed she could always promise not to do it again. The dark joke made her feel sick.

What had Arizona expected her to do? It was her leg or her life and she'd made the only choice she could have made. Or at least that was how _she_ saw it. Arizona was the woman she loved. Whatever choice she had to make to keep her alive, she would make it. And she'd tried to save the leg, had made a plan, maybe the only plan that had had a chance of working. But the infection had stolen the choices from them. It was Arizona's life or her leg and Callie had made the only decision she had seen. Maybe Arizona didn't see it the same way. Maybe she'd rather be dead than missing her leg.

That thought made her sicker, her knees weakening. She had to stop walking, one hand catching herself on the wall.

How in the hell had all of this been building right under her nose this whole time? Because she thought they were getting better. And, yeah, she'd been distracted with Derek's hand, and the hospital, then the Bailey situation most recently, but Arizona was her priority. Always. And she thought they'd been on the right track. They were back in the same bed at night, back at work. They were having sex again after a _very_ long and bumpy road back to intimacy. Hell, Arizona was having dance parties with Sofia, for God's sake! And yet here they were. She'd cut off her wife's leg and Arizona blamed her.

She never should have been anywhere near Arizona's case as a surgeon. She knew that. But she was the best doctor for the job. Any other patient and she'd have had them back on their feet in a few months. And she could have saved that damn leg if the infection had just held off for a few more days. She knew she could have made it work. That wasn't how it had worked out though. She'd seen the desperation, the fear like she'd never seen there before, in Arizona's eyes and had reacted as her wife, not her doctor, promising that everything would be okay. Doctors couldn't promise an outcome. Arizona had pleaded with her to make it okay and she couldn't have said anything else.

It wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. And every step forward that they'd made felt like inches now that she was seeing the whole picture. If Arizona blamed her for taking her leg, for breaking her promise, then they had miles left to go. If they made it at all.

That thought didn't make her sick but suddenly steady, strong. Not making it wasn't an option. Arizona was it for her. That was all there was to it. And whatever she had to do to help her, she would do it. Things were bad for them right now, probably worse than they'd ever been, and she'd been unaware and missed things. No more. She'd had her eyes opened. And she was going to fight like hell for her wife, for their marriage.

“Dr. Torres, are you alright?” Lauren Boswell might actually be the last person Callie wanted to see at that exact moment. It did give her a way out of the sudden spiral of despair her conversation with Arizona had left her with.

Straightening up before the other woman could touch her, Callie shook her head. “Dr. Boswell, I know this is going to sound rude before I say it, but I have to say it and you're just going to have to deal, alright?” Lauren's brows rose in surprise but she wisely didn't say anything. “I need you out of my hospital.”

“Wha – is this about hitting on Dr. Robbins, because -”

“No,” Callie cut her off impatiently. She wasn't that petty. Or at least this wasn't about that. Arizona was trying to get better. Anything she could do to help her, she was going to do it. And so far this woman was the only thing she knew about what was happening to her wife. “You've done the surgery you came here to do. You rode out a super-storm here. It's time for you to go home.”

“And away from your wife?” Boswell was incredulous. Even after everything that had happened the night of the storm Callie had been a polite, if cool, professional with her. She hadn't expected a showdown at this point. As far as she knew Arizona had made her choice and it wasn't her. Her wife didn't need to send her out of town by sundown.

Callie pinned her with a sharp look. “Frankly, yes. But not for the reason you think.” Thinking better of trying to explain her reasoning, Callie just shrugged. “I don't owe you anything. And I appreciate the work you did. I wouldn't even be opposed to you consulting here in the future. But right now, if you're really the caring coworker, the friend, you say you want to be to Arizona, then she needs you to leave. For her sake.”

Lauren blinked. There was no doubting the earnestness in Callie's voice. And it wasn't selfish motivation making her speak. She was doing it for Arizona. It was in the shadows under her eyes, the lines around her mouth, the haunted look in her face. Callie Torres was scared to death for the woman she loved. “Okay,” she said simply, nodding when Callie sent her a look of disbelief. “I'll be on the next flight,” she promised. Sighing, Lauren reached up to squeeze Callie's shoulder for a half-second before she dropped her hand. “You don't believe me, and I don't blame you, but I really do just want her to be okay.” She smiled tentatively, a hint of her usual playful demeanor in the expression. “I've got a case waiting on me in Atlanta anyway. I fixed a kid's face, so Seattle's got nothing to interest me anymore,” she said, winking when Callie started to smile in relief. “I'd ask you to keep me updated, but -” Callie's dawning smile slipped away. “Yeah, no problem,” she said quickly, nodding. “Good luck, Dr. Torres,” she was earnest, serious. “To you and Dr. Robbins.”

“Goodbye, Dr. Boswell,” Callie said, taking a step back and nodding. It almost felt too easy, getting this woman out of their lives. But that might be the only easy thing for them for a long while to come. So she'd take the easy victories where she could get them. Replacing her chart behind the desk Lauren walked away, neither of them speaking. Callie would take her easy victory but she was not going to thank her for it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There's a little bit of violence here, people. I just wanted to give everyone a heads up.

Callie Torres was used to yelling and crying waking her up, being the mother of a two year old who had previously been sleeping through the night. Until her mother had stopped sleeping at home and was only seeing her at daycare a few times a day. Now Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres refused to sleep more than four hours in a stretch, hoping each time that Arizona would be the one to come into her room when she cried. She had been disappointed every time.

Tonight though, it wasn't Sofia crying that woke her up. The screams that woke her up were raw, hoarse, utterly terrifying. They made her blood run cold, Callie sitting bolt upright in her bed. One hand reached unconsciously for the empty half of the space where Arizona was supposed to be.

Arizona. The realization of where the screams were coming from made her heart stop. They were the only residents on this half of the fifth floor. And the concrete floor muffled their upper and lower neighbors. The only thing between her and these primal screams were two panels of wood. Two blue doors.

Shoving and kicking the sheets off of her legs Callie bolted from the bed as quickly as she was able, stumbling through the living room as she pulled a robe over her shoulders. Mark's door was locked and she had to scramble back to her apartment for the spare key. The screaming from the other side made her tremble. It hardly sounded like a human throat making the noises. The fact that it was her wife making those screams chilled her heart.

Her hands were shaking as she forced the key into the lock, barely able to turn it. Arizona was on the other side of this door screaming like – like her plane was going down, like her leg was being ripped from her body...

Callie went through the door with her shoulder down, a hit a linebacker would have been proud of. Arizona was on the couch and her entrance wasn't exactly quiet but the blonde didn't react to her at all. She wasn't aware of anything outside of her own mind. Her body was arching off the cushions, her one foot planted against the far armrest. Every muscle was tensed and taut. And Arizona had nearly lost her voice from screaming.

“Arizona!” Callie yelled it, hoping her volume would wake her up. It didn't work. Arizona just thrashed on the sofa, locked in her own mind. Moving forward, Callie thought nothing of reaching for her wife's shoulder. Until the blinding flash of pain that followed Arizona's knuckles striking her temple. She stumbled backwards, gasping in surprised shock. Arizona's eyes were open now though, the blonde rolling to the floor and landing hard on her front, scrambling forward on her hands and knee. Her stump hit the bare wood floor and an animalistic groan of pain ripped itself from her throat. Primal survival instinct kept her moving toward what her unconscious mind perceived as a threat, her good foot pushing her forward in a lunge.

She crashed into Callie and they went down hard. Callie lost her breath as they struck the solid floor, both of Arizona's hands gripping her shirt tight. “Arizona, it's me!” Her wife wasn't hearing her though. Struggling, she fought her way up, her hands groping for Callie in an instinctive reaction for self-preservation.

Her eyes were open but unseeing. Arizona was still in the woods.

Pushing both hands up into her chest, Callie tried to dislodge her. An elbow kept one hand from her neck and Callie brought her knee up quickly. Arizona arched as it hit her, her breath escaping in a violent huff. The loosened grip helped her throw the other woman off of her, scrambling backward on her elbows to put space between them while Arizona sprawled at the base of the couch breathing hard. Callie didn’t stop moving until the kitchen island was against her back. She pulled on the leg of a chair until it crashed in front of her. It was a tangible barrier between them.

Arizona didn't follow her again, just laid on her side wheezing while her mind tried to find reality. Curling in on herself, Arizona struggled back to consciousness. The noisy breathing became quiet sobs as she pieced events back together, her blue eyes tortured as she found Callie on the floor across the room. “I'm sorry!” she gasped, the words barely escaping her raw throat. Her ribs hurt when she breathed so the ragged tears sent a dull ache through her chest. It was nothing compared to her heart tearing apart in her chest. The look on Callie's face... And there was already a bruise rising beside her right eye, red scratches on her neck, the top of her chest. When she started to crawl forward, needing to check them herself, Callie tried to move back from her. She couldn't go anywhere, was already pressed tight to the half-wall behind her, but Arizona stopped moving instantly. Her wife was scared of her. It was everything she'd wanted to avoid when she'd moved across the hall. “I'm _so_ sorry,” she said again, forcing the words out in her hoarse voice. “Callie, I am _so_ sorry! Tell me you're okay, please,” she pleaded, both hands covering her mouth as tears fled down her face. “Please...”

Callie was crying herself, her heart still pounding in her chest. She could hear the blood rushing through her head, feel the incoming headache growing at her temples. But she nodded, rubbing her neck with one hand.

“Callie, I-I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry,” Arizona stammered, sure that nothing she could say would ever erase the memory of Callie's face when she'd first woken up. Her wife had been utterly terrified of her. She felt sick to her stomach. “Please, please, _please_...”

Callie made the next move, pushing herself up slowly until she was on her feet. Her hands hung onto the edge of the counter top so tightly that her knuckles were white. Her head hurt but she was okay, except for being short of breath. Arizona hadn't taken her eyes off of her, panting for breath herself on the floor. “I'm okay,” Callie promised, clearing her throat to speak above a whisper. “I'm okay. Do you want to see?” Arizona nodded almost desperately, both hands reaching behind her for the couch, her arms shaking as she pulled herself up into the seat.

She was shaking and pale, sweat shining on her skin in the light from the hallway. Two beads chased each other down her chest toward the neck of her gray tank top. The light fabric was dark with perspiration in spots and sticking to her stomach. She still looked terrified.

And Callie wanted to go to her, wanted to sit beside her and take her hands and show her that there was no permanent damage done. Except that she couldn't force her knees to carry her weight, couldn't take the first step toward crossing the room to her partner.

“Callie -”

“Hang on,” she interrupted, her voice gravely. She cleared her throat again.

“I'm so sorry,” Arizona repeated herself. “I'm – I was, it was – it was the woods. I'm sorry,” she said, her voice steadying as she grew more alert. She wasn't relaxing into the cushions, rigidly leaning forward with her elbows on her thighs. She didn't reach out though, kept her hands down in a conscious attempt not to make any threatening gestures.

Coming back home after the crash, she hadn't actually had many night terrors, though she knew Meredith and Cristina had both had some. She'd been more afraid of the misty daylight for each of those four days. In the light she could see her leg. Could see how pale Mark was getting. In the dark she didn't have to watch him fade away from her, just had to stroke his hair and talk about their girls. In the dark she didn't have to see the bugs crawling around in her bleeding, broken leg. She didn't have to watch the infection spread past the point of no return.

But she'd talked to Leanne about the woods today in her session – the first time she'd even tried. It had taken her a week of daily appointments to make the attempt. And it had been terrifying, and stressful, and she'd gotten angry and upset. Not wanting to put those emotions around Sofia, she'd come back to the apartment instead of going to the daycare for a dance party. Dr. Connor had given her some relaxation techniques and she'd practiced them before settling in with a case file and a disgusting bowl of microwavable Easy-Mac.

Evidently she hadn't been exactly fully relaxed when she'd laid down. And if she'd hurt Callie she wasn't sure how she'd ever sleep again.

“It was the woods,” she said again softly. “I'm here now. I would never hurt you,” promised Arizona. “Please believe me, Callie. I'll never hurt you.”

Callie nodded, the strength returning slowly to her legs. PTSD was an animal, a sick puppet master that was currently pulling Arizona’s strings. She knew her wife wouldn't hurt her. The Arizona sitting across from her wasn't exactly the wife she was used to though. “I guess I can see why you moved out now,” Callie said, laughing hoarsely. It wasn't funny and Arizona didn't crack a smile.

“I'm sorry,” Arizona said again. “Do you want me to say I told you so?”

“Yeah, don't,” grumbled Callie, her head swinging from side to side. “Better me than...” She rubbed her neck again.

Arizona swallowed hard, nodding. “Yeah,” she agreed, dropping her gaze to the floor.

“We can't keep going like this, Arizona,” Callie said tiredly, picking up the chair and twisting the bar stool around to face the couch before hauling herself into it. She met her wife's eyes, could see her fear in her face.

“Like what?” Arizona asked, trying to stay steady. She couldn't blame Callie for anything she said next though. She'd brought them to this moment.

Callie sighed and slumped forward. “I'm miserable without you. Sofia's sleep schedule has gone completely to hell. We need you at home.”

“No,” Arizona denied her immediately. “Callie, I just – you saw what I just did to you! I can _not_ be around you and Sofia and be like _this_!”

“We were together for months after you got home – you slept beside me every night and nothing ever happened,” Callie reminded her, trying to stay patient. “And honestly, I'm not sure I can... be close right now.” Arizona winced but didn't protest. “But this isn't good, living like this.”

Neither one spoke for a long minute, Arizona slowly becoming aware on the hum of falling rain outside. It wasn't storming, just a straight downpour. It would be a green morning when the sun finally rose. If it ever came out from behind the clouds. “So what do you want me to do?” Arizona requested, one hand rubbing the other between fingers and thumb. “I'll do anything you say. I'll get more sessions with Dr. Connors, I'll do less surgery, I'll talk to Child Services about supervised visits with Sofia -”

“Stop it,” Callie growled, glaring across the room at her. “We're not getting a _social worker_ involved. You want supervision? I'm your supervision. If you can't handle it, I won't leave you alone with her,” she said. Her expression softened hopefully. “It's not like spending time with my wife and my daughter is the worst thing anyone could ever ask me to do,” she reminded her. “And Sofia misses you. She's breaking my heart.”

Arizona swallowed again. Her throat was dry and sore. And the sweat was starting to dry on her skin, leaving her feeling sticky and cold. The rain outside was a constant buzzing in her ears. “I don't know...”

“You can sleep in Sofia's room,” Callie suggested. “We'll move her into our room and you can sleep in there. But we'd be together. You can make breakfast and we'll match up our schedules and come home together at night and watch the news and we'll give our daughter a bath and tell her a story.” Arizona still looked unsure, her head shaking as if she was trying to dislodge something. “Think about it at least,” pleaded Callie, keeping her tone soft.

Licking her lips, Arizona winced at her sore throat. “I think... Sorry, could you get me a water? There should be a bottle in the fridge.” Callie slid off her stool and rounded the island to the refrigerator, making a decision and filling a glass of water from the door rather than getting a bottle from inside. A bottle she could toss to Arizona from across the room. A glass she would have to carry to her.

Arizona didn't speak as Callie brought the cup to the couch, drawing her good leg up and shrinking back against the armrest as Callie took a seat on the far cushion. “Is this okay?”

She rubbed both hands down the lengths of either leg, sighing at the shorter distance her left hand had to travel. “If you're okay,” Arizona said. Without her prosthetic she had no way to get off the couch and away from Callie if the proximity was too much for her. If she had to, she'd roll. She would do anything to keep from seeing the fear, fear _she'd_ put there, in Callie's face again.

“I'm okay,” Callie said, nodding and biting her bottom lip. “You were saying...”

Arizona took a sip of her water, gratefully chugging half the glass as her thirst asserted itself. Her throat burned when she swallowed. “I was saying...” She breathed deep and it made her chest ache. Both pains she welcomed as punishment she deserved. She'd put her hands on her wife. Her heart started to pound again at the thought of what she could have done.

Callie watched her closely, reaching over to touch her arm when she sensed that her partner was slipping away again. Arizona jumped. “Hey,” prompted Callie softly. “Look at me. I'm right here and I'm okay. Okay?” Arizona's eyes found her and one hand reached up slowly. She tried not to take it personally when Callie flinched back. “Sorry,” she whispered, not moving her face this time when Arizona touched her jaw.

Arizona shook her head as she turned Callie's face into the light with gentle fingers, leaning forward to check her temple. “You don't apologize to me,” she said, voice roughed by emotion. She'd put a bruise on her wife's face. She never wanted to be this person. Anyone else who touched Callie like she'd touched Callie tonight, she would tear them apart.

“Stop it,” whispered Callie again. “Don't blame yourself...”

“Why shouldn't I?” Arizona snapped. “I did it! I did this to you, Callie! I can’t come home while I'm like this! No. There's no way.”

“This is not you! This is – you are sick, Arizona! You are my wife and you are sick! But you're getting help and you're going to get better,” Callie argued stubbornly.

Blonde hair fell in her face when Arizona shook her head in denial. “This can't happen again. I can't put you at risk like that. I need a locked door between us.”

“There was a locked door between us tonight,” Callie reminded her.

“Well, maybe you shouldn't have come through it!” Arizona snapped again, closing her eyes when Callie recoiled from her.

Her face steadied into a determined expression though. “I'm always going to come through the door if you're on the other side of it,” Callie said firmly. “I missed things, Arizona. Before. And I pushed you to be better, and I know you wanted to be, for me and Sofia. But I'm not – that's not happening this time. I need you to really be okay. Whenever you can get there.”

“I'm not there,” Arizona interjected. “I hurt you -”

“I'm not – I'm okay!” protested Callie, shaking her head. “That's not what I'm saying. I want us to do this the right way. I was distracted before.” She looked guilty, her eyes falling to her lap. “You just, it seemed like you were doing better and I let myself get so worried about Derek, and -”

“You care about people,” Arizona said softly. “It's a good thing. You have a huge heart.” It was one of the many things she loved about Callie, her amazing capacity for loving the people around her.

“But there's no one in the world that I care about more than I care about you,” Callie stated, head shaking again. “And you were suffering and I should have seen it.” She sighed. “I'm sorry.”

Arizona's brows furrowed. “No,” she objected. “No, Callie.”

“It's not your fault we're like this,” Callie said sadly. Arizona scoffed loudly, the sound sharp and bitter. “Okay, but it's not your fault that you're sick,” Callie amended herself. “Your plane crashed and... everything.” She couldn't bring herself to elaborate on everything else that had tumbled down around them as a result of that first domino tipping over. “It's not your fault.”

“It's not yours either,” Arizona said, her tone soft again, and she leaned forward.

Sighing, Callie looked across the couch at her. “I didn't help things though. And I'm so sorry, Arizona. I love you. And I'm going to do a better job of it. Whatever you need, however long it takes, _anything_.” She licked her lips and drew in a deep breath. “But I cannot agree to stay away from you if you're in pain. If you're hurting I need to be there. I can't survive without you, Arizona. I think we can figure out a way to do this from home. You don't need to stay here...”

Callie meant everything she was saying, it was clear on her face. But Arizona could still see the fear that had been in her expression as she'd cowered on the floor. She couldn't ever see it there again. Her eyes fell closed. “I can't come home yet,” she said, regulating her tone and trying to do a breathing exercise – in through her nose and out through her mouth. “I can't do that to you. And you shouldn't want me anywhere near Sofia like this.” She opened her eyes and the terror, the stark, paralyzing fear that she would do anything to hurt her baby was naked in her gaze. “If it had been her tonight you would never forgive me. And I wouldn't want you to because I would never forgive myself.”

Callie sighed, not sure what to do or say. All she knew was that if her wife was screaming like she had been, she was going to go to her. And she'd probably touch her again, even if it got her punched for her trouble. So she said exactly that. Arizona sighed too, unable to argue because she would do the exact same thing if their situations were reversed. And she would probably insist that they be under the same roof while they dealt with it too. The words to express herself weren't coming though, the buzzing in her ears was driving her to distraction. Arizona rubbed her eyes tiredly. “How's your head?” Callie asked considerately, her voice soft.

Arizona shook her head, knuckles rolling across her temples. “I'm not feeling crazy if that's what you mean.”

“No, I mean the rain.” Arizona's head turned to look at her. Callie looked concerned but nervous. “I think it messes with you, or triggers you, or something.” Blue eyes blinked, surprised. “I mean, I don't know, I just noticed -”

Arizona was touched. Not that she'd expected Callie wouldn't make an effort to help her. It just, it was really sweet of her. “No, I, uh, I think you, I think it's possible you're right.” And it would be something to bring up with Leanne. They both were surprised when she laughed. “We might have to move,” she said with surprising levity.

“But we _just_ bought a hospital here,” Callie teased, smiling down the couch at her. “I would move anywhere with you,” she said more seriously. “Anywhere, Arizona.”

“Well, I don't know if we need to move _there_ ,” said Arizona with a wink. “It could get irritating really quick.” Callie laughed, one hand finding Arizona's knee and squeezing. She wasn't sure if the contact was wanted but Arizona covered her hand before she could remove it, lacing their fingers. “I really miss you.” Callie blinked, eyebrows rising. “But I can't come home like this,” Arizona said more seriously, looking pleadingly at her wife.

Callie sighed but nodded. “I understand,” she said, turning her hand over to take Arizona's. A thumb made soft circles on the inside of her wrist. “I don't like it, but I understand.” Something had to change though. They couldn't just keep living in separate apartments across the hall from each other. Before everything had gone to hell they'd talked about moving somewhere, getting a house, maybe. It could end up being in Washington or anywhere else and she wouldn't care. As long as it was home for her, and Arizona, and Sofia. Leaving the apartment that had been the site of so many memories could be nice. And not living on the fifth floor would be good for Arizona.

Almost reading her mind, Arizona suggested tentatively, “What if we start looking for a new place? Somewhere bigger? Maybe fewer stairs?” She looked around the sparse, dark apartment she'd been sleeping in. “We need to move forward.”

Callie's soft smile was encouraging. “I think you're right. We can start looking if you want.”

Arizona looked hopeful when she suggested, “Maybe I could come over tomorrow night and we could look at some places on the computer.”

“Maybe get some dinner?” Callie added to the proposition, rubbing the back of Arizona's hand. “You could give Sofia her bath. She'd love that.” Arizona smiled, the dimples shallow on her cheeks but there. It made Callie's heart flip in her chest. Arizona's free hand reached up to stroke lightly over the scratches on her neck. “Hey,” she started to protest in a whisper.

“Shh,” Arizona hushed her, her eyes focused. “It doesn't hurt, does it?”

“No, it doesn't,” Callie promised. She still had a headache but it would fade, wasn't worth mentioning.

“I'm so sorry. I won't let it happen again,” said Arizona, her eyes finding Callie's. “Whatever it takes, this won't happen again.”

Breathing deep, Callie made a decision and opened her arms. “Come here,” she whispered, seeing the relief in Arizona's face as she crawled into her arms. Figuring out the positioning took a second, unused to being close like this. And that was strange enough for them. They'd always been a physical couple, affectionate and constantly touching. So the fact that Callie's arm around her waist, the top of her chest, felt foreign made her heart ache. She wanted this to be familiar again.

Since they'd first started dating Callie had been her safe place. Months of casual dating in Seattle and she hadn't felt anything like she'd felt the first time she'd seen Callie Torres in the hall. She'd heard of the Ortho surgeon, of course. Callie was a good doctor and her fellow staff members at Seattle-Grace liked and respected her. And the day she'd found out that Callie was not only stunningly gorgeous but into girls had felt like her Christmas. Arizona had always been confident with women, charming and cool. Kissing Callie in that bar bathroom wasn't a radical play for her. It had had more far-reaching effects than any move she'd ever made with a girl before. There weren't any other women like Calliope Torres though. And she'd known it the second Callie had confronted her in Joe's after she'd turned her down and told her exactly why she'd made a mistake in not going on a date with her.

They'd both made more mistakes since then. More fights and stupid misunderstandings – babies, the shooting, Africa, and Mark. Never once had she had a second of regret about coming back to Callie. Coming out of the woods was proving to be harder than anything she'd ever had to do. Coming back to Callie would be worth any effort. And she would do it because she wanted to be herself again. And since she'd held Callie against her shoulder after her father had abandoned her, she'd been in love with her. Loving Callie was as much a part of her as her own name.

A rising swell of emotion was irrepressible and she reached up for her wife's arm as the tears came. Callie just held her closer, pressing lips to her hair, rubbing her shoulder with one hand, and letting her cry.


	7. Chapter 7

“Tell me about Lauren Boswell.” It was practically the last thing Arizona wanted to talk about in her session, but she knew it would come up sooner or later. Better to grit her teeth and get it done. That had been her motto lately with everything.

“She's gone,” Arizona told her therapist, her posture outwardly relaxed even as her spine tensed. She'd heard about Callie's conversation with the other woman from a gleeful Cristina, who'd made it sound like a showdown straight out of a western movie. “I mean, she's not in Seattle anymore.”

“And you're happy about that?” Leanne asked, her pen poised on the notepad in her lap.

Arizona's mouth pulled at the corners, her brows furrowing. “It's not like I'm upset about it,” she said. Leanne made a note and Arizona continued quickly, “She's a good doctor, but it's better that she's not here,” she clarified, lest there be any question that her loyalty was at all divided.

“Why's that?” Her therapist worked in the hospital, had surely heard more than one account of what had gone on the night of the storm. But she'd sit in her chair and smile and drag the story out of Arizona herself.

“Because she was hitting on me. Because she probably would have slept with me if...” Arizona's jaw clenched, her eyes sliding to the potted plant on the corner of the desk. “Because she was in my head, telling me things.”

Dr. Connor's lips pursed thoughtfully. “What kinds of things was she telling you?”

To lose control and betray her marriage. That Callie couldn't love her, couldn't want her, now that she wasn't whole. It hurt to think, much less to speak out loud. “Bad things.”

Not commenting on her patient's clear reticence to go into detail, Leanne kept them moving, “Bad in what way?”

“Bad for me. Bad for my marriage,” Arizona said, sighing heavily. “Things I don't want to believe are true.”

“So Dr. Boswell gave doubts you had, or have, about yourself, about your partner, a voice?”

Arizona frowned, nodding. “Not the real Dr. Boswell though. I was – I saw her, in my head... But I haven't since the real one left,” she added quickly, hoping that would make her feel less crazy, even if it didn't sound much better.

Smiling, Leanne nodded as well, tapping her pen lightly against the paper. “I understand. Let's talk about the real Dr. Boswell. Tell me about her. What is she like?”

It took Arizona a second to organize her thoughts. Whatever was going on in her own head concerning the other surgeon, Dr. Boswell was a good doctor and she wasn't one to talk out of turn about a co-worker. “Lauren Boswell is a very well respected professional,” she said slowly. “She a fantastic surgeon, the top of her field.”

Leanne nodded, making a few notes. “What about personally?” The blonde sighed, hesitant to say anything more. Her thoughts about Lauren Boswell were complicated by the flirting and memories of infidelity in her head. It hadn't happened, of course, but it was still in her mind, tainting the rest of her memories of the visiting surgeon. “Just tell me about her. It's not a trick question. There's no wrong thing to say.”

Arizona took a deep breath, nodding. She wasn't gossiping. She was trying to get better. And if talking about Lauren Boswell would help, she could do it. “Well, she's confident.” She'd spent a week flirting with a married woman. Confident might be an understatement. Arizona hadn't been unaffected by the flirting though... “Charming.” Admitting it out loud made her blush. Nothing had happened. She hadn't done anything wrong, even if she did find Lauren charming. She hadn't cheated. She had nothing to be defensive about.

Reminding herself of that, it became easier to list off attributes. She wasn't interested in Lauren. She was just talking about her with her therapist. “Carefree, funny. Lighthearted. Talented.” Another blush. “Flirty.” Arizona shrugged, wanting to be done with this exercise. “I don't really know. She was only here for a few days.” Her tone got darker. “And none of those things explain why she was in my head the way she was.”

Leanne was quiet for a moment. “Those words that you used to describe Dr. Boswell, would you say it's fair that those words could also be applied to yourself?” she suggested. They'd had more than one conversation about pre-crash Arizona. And the premiere Pediatric surgeon on the West Coast had a reputation that included her sunny personality.

Arizona's frustration bucked at the comparison, a scoff escaping. “Yeah, maybe a year ago. Before my plane crashed and I woke up two months later without a leg,” she said, not trying to control her tone. She could be as sarcastic and bitter as she wanted to be in Dr. Connor's office. She'd gotten used to that in the weeks since she'd started therapy. “What of it?”

Her doctor's lips pursed. She'd proved that she could handle Arizona's snark, but she got a look on her face whenever Arizona was bordering on rudeness. “I think it's possible that you see something of yourself in Dr. Boswell.” Arizona's expression froze but she stayed silent. “Some part, or parts, of you that you think you've lost.” She put her notes to the side, leaning forward. “Do you mind if I tell you what I think is happening?” Arizona nodded assent meekly, swallowing hard. “You've told me that you feel like a different person than you were before the crash. Which is perfectly natural. The things you've survived would change anyone. And you met Dr. Boswell and she reminds you of the person you were before – fun and flirty, good at your job, good with people, someone the people around you respected – and your brain made her appear almost as your conscience.” Arizona frowned but didn't say anything. Jiminy Cricket had never told Pinocchio the types of things Lauren Boswell had said in her head. “Or rather, as your subconscious. Saying things to you that you wouldn't want to say as yourself,” Leanne suggested gently. “What do you think about that?”

Blue eyes jumped around the room, Arizona swallowing hard. There was a glass of water on the table beside her and she reached for it, swallowing down half of it in one long gulp. “I, uh, I guess...” She supposed she could see the similarities between them, as long as it didn't mean something weird about being in love with herself. That wasn't really an option right now anyway. Not how she was now. She laughed suddenly, less bitter than she had been. “If she was that much like me I think Callie might have liked her more.” Callie _had_ liked her though. Before the storm had twisted their perception of everything. Arizona's expression twitched. She hated everything about this. “Callie met her,” she said before Leanne could ask. “She did like her. Until we thought I slept with her.”

“You told me that your wife didn't believe you had cheated on her,” Leanne reminded her patiently.

“She didn't,” Arizona said with a sigh. “Callie never thought I'd done anything to betray her.”

“And she was right. You didn't.”

Arizona sucked in her bottom lip restlessly, dragging it out between her teeth. “So Dr. Boswell was in my head, it was all my subconscious? So why did I think I'd had sex with her?”

“It wasn't about having sex with Dr. Boswell. It was about giving your mind an outlet for all the emotions you've been holding onto for all these months. You're angry but you don't let yourself feel it. So your mind gave you something to be angry about. A way to feel the despair you can't or won't let go of. Because you've been suppressing every emotion, every impulse you have, since you got out of the woods.”

“Why would I do that?” She knew exactly why. To spare Callie and Sofia. To pretend that she could be the person she'd been before the plane crash. And Leanne didn't bother to answer her, just waited until Arizona sighed and nodded. “Yeah, okay. So how do I stop it?”

“Let yourself be angry, or upset, or even happy.” Arizona flinched almost guiltily. “Whatever you feel, that's okay. Just let the emotions come out.”

“Callie doesn't deserve that,” the blonde said quietly, head shaking from side to side. “She needs me to be her wife, not a – not this person...”

Leanne simply smiled across the room at her. “I think you should give yourself, and your wife, a bit more credit, Dr. Robbins. You're both stronger than you think you are. From everything you've told me about her, you've married quite the exceptional woman.” It won her a shadow of a genuine smile from her patient. “Whenever you're ready, I'd like to have her in for a session.” Arizona blinked in surprise. “Only when you're alright with it.” She nodded and tucked a loose blonde curl behind her ear. “So, Callie liked Dr. Boswell,” said Leanne, gently steering the conversation in another direction.

“Until the storm, yeah,” Arizona agreed, shifting her weight in her chair restlessly.

“And how would you say Callie feels about you?”

“Now, or before the storm?” asked Arizona, feeling defensive again suddenly. Callie was still with her, said she still loved her, and she was grateful, she really was. But it still felt like obligation sometimes, not love. Not because of anything Callie had ever done or said though. Callie's love hadn't wavered. Arizona herself was just different now. It wasn't realistic to expect things to be the same as they'd been.

“At any point,” Leanne clarified, voice soft in the quiet room. “Now, before the storm, even before the crash.” Arizona could hear the ticking of the clock on the desk but nothing else.

Before the crash they'd been happy. Perfectly, blissfully, content with each other and with their lives. And then Nick had showed up only to die. And Callie couldn't stop it. And then Alex had chosen Hopkins. And she couldn't make him stay.

And she'd gotten on the fucking plane. She had pleaded with Owen to bring her home, to her wife who would help her. To the woman who would move mountains to save her. And Callie thought she _had_ saved her, had cut off her leg to keep her alive. Rationally she knew that. And she couldn't even say that she wouldn't have made the same call if their situation had been reversed. A leg to save Callie's live? To keep the woman she loved alive? Chop it off. Before the crash she probably wouldn't have thought twice when the moment came. One leg for a life was a bargain.

She knew better now.

Callie loved her. She knew that. Callie loved her more than anyone ever had, more than she thought now that anyone ever should. Callie had loved her before the crash, loved her the entire four days she'd been missing, maybe even loved her more after she'd gotten her back. There was no questioning her partner's love for her, not after everything they'd come through. It was because Callie loved her so much that she'd done everything to save her leg. And when it had finally come time to keep her promise to save the leg, she'd broken it to save her life. Because Callie loved her too damn much to let her go.

This new person she was though, she didn't know how to accept it. Because she couldn't love herself yet. So the unconditional love from Callie just confused her. Being around her though, coming home after work to spend the evenings with her before going back to Mark's to sleep, meeting Callie and Sofia in the hall in the mornings to walk to work together, it was the best part of her life right now. Being with Callie made her feel _good_.

There were still things they didn't talk about though. Like the leg and the broken promise. And the more time she spent being honest with herself, working out her issues, the louder the things they didn't talk about screamed in the back of her mind. And when they finally had them out, she wasn't sure how Callie would feel about her.

After the woods Arizona wasn't sure she was worth saving, even if Callie had been unable to see it when she'd spared her life.

Saying it out loud though, that maybe she would have rather been dead than incomplete, it would destroy Callie. Forcing the woman who loved her _so much_ to see how little value she saw in herself, it already hurt. She wanted to fix herself though, wanted to fix her marriage. If the price of that was more pain, the results would be worth it. She hoped. As long as Callie didn't hate her at the end of the day. If they were ever going to be better though, maybe that was the chance she had to take.

“You don't have to tell me,” Leanne said, reminding her suddenly that there had been a question that had prompted all the heavy thoughts. And she didn't need to hear Arizona's answer – it was all over her face. Arizona knew her wife loved her, but like everything in her life right now, Arizona's feelings about that were complicated.

Arizona nodded, taking a deep breath. It felt like her first breath in minutes. “I love my wife, Dr. Connor,” she said, her voice hoarse. “I'll talk to her about coming in for a session. I think it will really help.” Her throat was dry and she finished her water. “Are we done for today?”

“Yes, Arizona,” Leanne said with a glance at the clock. It was a few minutes early but she would give Arizona a break this time. She could sense that she needed it today.

The surgeon was already on her feet. Her jacket was over the back of the couch and she shrugged into it. Arizona stopped before she left the room though, turning back to face her therapist. “Can I ask you one thing?” Off Leanne's nod she continued, “If seeing Dr. Boswell was my conscience or subconscious or whatever, does that mean it's not dangerous? Could it ever convince me to do something bad, I mean?”

Dr. Connor's expression went soft, sympathetic. She knew exactly why her patient was asking. Arizona had told her about her decision to move across the hall, her night terror incident. “No, Dr. Robbins. It's your mind. You're in control.”

Arizona nodded slowly. Maybe she hadn't been the night of the superstorm, but she felt like she was now. She'd been working hard in therapy, trying to get better. And she could feel her own progress. It had taken time, but she was doing better now. “Thank you. I'll see you on Thursday.”

Walking out of the office the first person she wanted to see was Callie. She'd come in earlier to fit her appointment with Dr. Connor into her schedule so she hadn't seen her wife at all today. Checking the surgical board, Arizona spotted Callie's name and started up to the gallery.

The viewing room was empty except for Meredith Grey's intern, one of the new ones whose names she hadn't managed to get straight yet. Normally she was better than that, knowing how to address everyone on her staff, even down to the first year interns. This wasn't her normal year though. And maybe that was okay. She'd been working _so_ hard to get to the point where her new self, who didn't know the intern's names, who got angry and survived, was someone she could live as. And it was getting closer.

Meredith spotted her entrance and she smiled tiredly, offering a small wave. Arizona couldn't hear them but Callie's head turned and she could see the warmth in her partner's eyes, even with the mask covering the smile she knew was there. Her smile grew and her hand trailed down unconsciously to play with the pendent of her necklace.

Arizona knew she was doing better, was more than ready to move forward, but the things left to do – particularly the notion of therapy with Callie – petrified her. It felt like a looming shadow, threatening all her progress, the momentum she felt that she'd built up, with the paralyzing fear that once Callie saw her, _really_ saw her for who she was now, Callie would walk out the door and not look back.

Callie deserved more credit than that though. She hadn't left yet. And there had been long weeks where Arizona honestly couldn't believe that she hadn't. Not once had her wife reached for the door. Since the storm she'd been more attentive, involved, focused, and loving, than she'd ever been. Callie was completely devoted to her and to their marriage and she'd been actively proving it every day. And she deserved honesty from her partner. They both deserved a chance to try and move forward on equal footing.

The thought made her laugh, drawing a glance from the intern down the row.

Ignoring her, Arizona let her mind drift, her eyes unseeing but pointed down at the surgery taking place below her. Focused on her breathing, it made her jump when a hand touched her shoulder. She hadn't noticed time passing. Callie was surprised when she jumped, but didn't withdraw.

“Hey,” said the Ortho surgeon softly, Arizona looking around to discover that they were alone in the viewing room, the OR being cleaned on the other side of the window. “You were kind of zoned out there. You good?”

Arizona reached for her hand, standing up as quickly as she could and pulling her wife into a hug. Callie was surprised again but wrapped her arms solidly around her with only the slightest of hesitation. “I -” She wanted more than anything to say that she was getting her bag and coming home. But she couldn't do that before she knew that they were through the storm. They had to get it all out on the table before she could come back. If she went home and then Callie saw everything and left she couldn't cope. It would destroy her. “I was -” Asking Callie to come in for a session wasn't coming out either. So she just tightened her grip, burrowing her face into her wife's shoulder.

Not sure what was happening, Callie just held her. One hand trailed slowly from Arizona's shoulder to trace the line of her back. “This is nice. What do I have to do to get one of these every day?” she asked softly, her face turning into Arizona's hair to draw in the scent of her.

Arizona choked back a sudden laugh that she wasn't sure she could keep from becoming a sob. “Just be you.”

“Done deal, baby,” Callie promised her lightly, winning another laugh for her efforts. “Are you alright?” Her tone was soft, more serious.

“It was a long session with Dr. Connor,” answered Arizona without lifting her head. “I got out and all I wanted was this.”

Callie breathed deep, kissing the top of her head and keeping her close. “Sorry I was in surgery. I'm all yours now.”

“Can we get Sofia and go home?”

Callie's next kiss found Arizona's temple. The soft brush of breath against her skin made her stomach flip. “Best idea I've heard all day,” whispered Callie, slowly releasing her from the extended hug. Arizona immediately took her hand, smiling almost shyly at her. It made Callie's heart soar.

Sofia was excited to see them together, clapping her hands when they appeared through the window of the daycare. Arizona was holding the door for Callie when she saw the look of concentration on their daughter's face, her grip on Callie's hand tightening.

“Wha-?” Then Callie saw it too, one of Sofia's tiny feet off the ground and moving forward. “Oh my God! Arizona, she's -!”

“Come on, baby,” Arizona breathed, watching intently and entirely enraptured. “You can do it, Sofia!”

One toddling step forward was met with breathless gasps from her parents, the next three coming in quick succession until her jittery forward motion ended at Arizona's shoes with a tumble. Not fazed by her sudden stop, Sofia turned back onto her bottom and smiled up at them, happy to see both of her mothers grinning down at her. She pulled herself up on Arizona’s pants leg, not caring one bit that the leg under her hands was metal and not flesh. And at that second, Arizona didn't care either.

Callie was quick to lean down and pick her up, kissing Sofia's face as she straightened. “You're amazing and we love you so much and we are so proud of you,” she said between kisses, passing her to Arizona but unable to resist leaning in to kiss the cheek Arizona wasn't smothering with affection. It made their little girl shriek with laughter, squirming against the tight embrace.

Smiling and feeling completely overwhelmed, Callie took Sofia back into her arms while Arizona signed them out and shouldered Sofia's bag. As soon as they were through the doors Arizona laced their fingers again and Callie wasn't sure the smile would ever go away.

Preparing dinner was interrupted more than once by watching Sofia slowly mastering her new skill, Arizona's prosthetic leaned against the kitchen island while she manned the stove from the bar stool she'd parked there almost as soon as they'd come through the door. Callie was at the island (though standing far to the right so she didn't block Arizona's view of Sofia's toddling) chopping vegetables while chunks of chicken cooked in the pan Arizona was stirring.

“Could you come with me to my session?” Arizona had meant to work it into conversation but instead let it burst into the silence with no preface, not moving her eyes from Sofia's lap of the couch. “I mean, you don't have to, but -”

“I'll be there,” Callie interjected, turning around to face her only to find that Arizona was actively not looking at her. “Thursday? I can move some stuff around -”

“No hurry,” said Arizona quickly, nerves making her eyes jump around the room. “We could go next week -”

“Hey.” Blue eyes found her. “This is important. And not just to you. I want to be there. I wouldn't miss it,” Callie promised, tone earnest. “Okay?” 

Arizona nodded. “Thank you,” she said, her voice hoarse. Callie took a step forward, her hand coming to rest on Arizona's right thigh as she leaned in to kiss her softly on the cheek. Arizona caught her hand before she could withdraw, chin tilting up to peck her wife's lips for a quick kiss. “Do you think I could sleep on the couch tonight? Here, I mean?”

Stunned by both the kiss and the question, Callie could only nod her head silently.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning* This chapter mentions self-harm and suicide. Just a heads up. Proceed with caution, please, if those are things that upset you.

Arizona couldn't do more than push her lunch around her plate, too anxious about her joint therapy session with Callie to eat. Callie didn't seem as worried, leaning over her shoulder to kiss her cheek as she sat down beside her. “Hey you.” She turned the tablet computer in her hands to show the screen to Arizona. “Look at this one.”

Grateful for the distraction Arizona took the device to scroll through the pictures of a two story with four bedrooms and three bathrooms. Hardwood floors in the kitchen and the halls, carpet in the living room and the bedrooms, a spacious, modernly appointed kitchen, a big yard. Lots of windows and natural light showed the white walls throughout. The front door was red though, which she liked. Callie probably already knew that before she'd handed over the computer though. “It looks nice,” she allowed. The master suite was on the ground floor, another aspect of the house that Arizona felt sure had led Callie to recommend that one.

“I was thinking we could go take a look at it tomorrow, maybe. We're off, and I can call the realtor today after my surgery.” Callie was clearly excited. And they'd been looking, had gone to a few places but had yet to fall in love with any of them. Arizona just couldn't let herself plan for tomorrow when she didn't know how they were going to make it through the day.

She couldn't bear to burst Callie's bubble like that though so she nodded and mustered a smile. “Sounds like a plan.”

Callie beamed happily, kissing her cheek again. The expression had sobered when she pulled back, able to feel the tension in her wife's form. “Hey, I know you're nervous.”

“I'm scared to death,” Arizona confessed in a whisper. Might as well start the honesty now, right? “What if you hate me?”

Callie frowned, holding her breath for a long moment. “Do you hate me?” Arizona's eyes went wide, her head shaking in immediate denial. “Then I'm not going to hate you for being honest with me,” Callie promised. “I'm nervous too,” she admitted. “Really nervous. I don't know what you're going to say, and I don't know how I'm going to feel about whatever you say to me.” Another deep breath. “But we've been trying to move forward, right? Start fresh? That's all I'm trying to do. I don't want to push you on the house thing, Arizona. I just have to distract myself, you know?”

Arizona could relate to that completely. So she tilted the computer to share the screen with Callie. “From the pictures I like this one. But we'd have to put some color up on the walls,” she reminded her partner. “At least in Sofia's room,” Arizona said when Callie's eyes rolled. “The yard is nice though.” She smiled. “And I know you love that kitchen.”

“Oh, trust me, you would love me having that kitchen too,” Callie promised teasingly. “Speaking of, do you mind if I -?” She gestured toward Arizona's mostly untouched plate.

“Help yourself.” Arizona pushed the plate closer to Callie's reach and scrolled through the pictures again. “How about I call the realtor? I know you've got surgery this afternoon.” Callie looked surprised but smiled, nodding gratefully. “Okay, well what time do you think we should make an appointment? Right after lunch, maybe?”

Taking a bite of broccoli from Arizona's plate, Callie nodded again. “Good plan.” And it would give them time in the morning to recover from whatever happened in their joint session with Dr. Connor today. Callie knew what Arizona was doing, even without her partner being obvious about it. And if she thought any more about what was coming she wasn't sure she'd be able to go in there. So Callie stood up as she snatched another bite from Arizona's plate. “I'll see you later, okay? I've got to go prep.”

“Yeah, I know.” Arizona tilted her head back for a quick kiss. “I'll see you there.”

Nerves led to Arizona arriving early for their appointment and pacing restlessly in the waiting room. Dr. Connor had anticipated that from her patient and let her into her office only a few minutes after Arizona's arrival. “Would you like to go over what you want to say?” she asked after she'd settled into her chair.

Arizona couldn't sit down, couldn't stand still. And she definitely couldn't say anything yet. So she just kept moving, her head shaking from side to side in denial of her doctor's question. Dr. Connor didn't push the issue, flipping through her own notes quietly and letting Arizona pace from side to side across the office.

Callie was exactly on time, knocking lightly on the door and then peeking around the panel when Leanne called for her to enter off Arizona's nod. “Hey. I'm not late, am I? Because -”

“You're right on time,” the psychiatrist told her with a smile, waving her in as she stood up to greet the new arrival. “Doctor -”

“Oh,” Arizona jumped in, already on her feet. “Dr. Callie Torres, Dr. Leanne Connor,” she introduced them, the two women shaking hands.

“Nice to meet you. Please, call me Callie.”

“Leanne,” echoed the other doctor. “Very nice to meet you too. I've heard a lot about you.”

Callie's smile looked choked. “I hope at least some of it was good,” she joked, licking her lips nervously.

“It was all very good,” promised Leanne, gesturing to the couch. “Take a seat if you'd like,” she offered. Callie sat down but Arizona resumed moving, one hand on her hip as she walked. Callie sent a look at their host but Leanne nodded reassuringly. Arizona's nerves were not unexpected. “Dr. Robbins, we are both here for you,” she reminded her gently. “Whenever you're ready.”

It took Arizona a few minutes to work up her nerve, her leg starting to ache from the constant movement. She would have to sit down soon. Or at least stop moving. Arizona sank to the armrest of the couch, on the far end from Callie. “Okay...” Her eyes jumped to Leanne in her chair.

Their host nodded, taking the reins as moderator. “Why don't we start with the plane crash?” she suggested. It seemed like a heavy place to start to Callie, but she wasn't sure there were any lighter topics for this session. “The four days you were missing.”

Arizona visibly steeled herself, her hands bracing against her thighs. The socket of her prosthetic was under her fingertips and she dug her nails hard into the unfeeling plastic. “Okay.” She took a deep breath, holding it until she could feel her heartbeat through her head. Callie looked nervous. What would her eyes hold when they walked out the door? Arizona had to shake that off. She had to speak first, couldn't be worried about the results when she hadn't even said anything. “Those four days...” Another deep breath. “The worst four days of my life, Callie.” 

Tears welled in deep brown eyes and Arizona had to look away. “Lexie died the day of the crash. Mark collapsed and didn't get back up again.” Callie sucked in a shaky breath but Arizona couldn't bear to see her pain right now. She'd practiced this in her head a thousand times, said it entirely flatly now, toneless, speaking slowly. She was trying to feel her emotions, but this was something else entirely. “Everybody else was afraid of the nights. The cold, the rain, the animals, the darkness. I hated the daylight. Seeing my leg, watching Mark disappear.” Callie whimpered, stifled herself. “We didn't sleep. Or I didn't. I wasn't sure I would wake up. Or that Mark wouldn't be dead when I opened my eyes. He just kept dying.” She knew the words would hurt Callie but she had to say what she had to. That was what she'd talked about with Leanne about this meeting. She owed it to them both to be honest here.

“Arizona...” 

Callie's whisper made her close her eyes. She couldn't stop now though. “I missed you every second. And Sofia. God, I was so scared I was never going to see you again. I think I was driving everyone crazy talking about you all the time.” Callie remembered Cristina's comments about the woods, Arizona keeping them all sane, and shook her head. “I just knew that if I could get home to you that everything would be okay.” Arizona risked a quick glance, Callie's eyes locked on her, tears streaming silently down her face, and Arizona couldn't maintain the eye contact. “But it wasn't...”

Arizona stopped, biting her lip and looking at Dr. Connor. She wasn't sure she could keep going. “Callie, could you tell Arizona what those four days were like for you?”

“It was hell,” Callie answered immediately, grimacing. “I know you went through hell, and I know what I went through can't even compare to what you went through, but for me it was hell. I thought I lost you. Every minute of those four days we were waiting for the call that they'd found your bodies.” She squeezed her hands into fists, her breathing shaky. “As far as I knew Sofia had lost two parents, I'd lost my best friend, my wife.” 

Arizona leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. Sofia's future had been bleak since her first day of life. And in less than two years she'd almost lost all three of her parents. Since they'd been found seeing Sofia's life every day had been the best part of her own life. Her daughter wouldn't remember her father. If things had gone differently she wouldn't remember her either. And Callie would have been a widowed single mother.

“That's my hell, Arizona,” Callie continued. “Living without you is my hell.” She choked back noisy tears that wanted to break free. “But I know that it's not yours.” Those woods had been Arizona's hell. And she was starting to fear that not even coming home to her had let her escape that forest. Maybe nothing could get Arizona out of the woods. Except she knew that wasn't true. Arizona had been working to get herself out of the woods, after months of faking it, for her sake, she was really trying now, for herself.

“Callie, I'm sorry,” said Arizona softly.

“Don't,” Callie cut her off. “You can't apologize to me for this. This is you, Arizona. Please don't apologize to me for who you are.”

“This isn't who I was, though,” Arizona disagreed. “This, who I am now, it's not who you fell in love with. I'm not sure you can love this person.” Callie started to object, her mouth falling open. Arizona continued though, speaking over whatever Callie might say next that would make it impossible for her to keep going, “I would rather have died, Callie.” Her partner's expression froze and fell slowly, heart shattering in her eyes. How many times had she seen Callie broken? And how many times had it been because of her? She'd picked up the pieces after Erica, after George's death, her father's abandonment. None of it was like this. The devastation in her face was like nothing she'd ever seen there before.

Callie felt like her heart had stopped, her lungs closed. Her head was swimming, spinning. Everything she'd done to try and save that leg and Arizona would rather be dead than wake up without it. She'd broken her promise to save the leg, but she'd hoped that Arizona could understand why she'd made the choice that she had. She never would have believed that Arizona would rather she'd made the opposite decision.

“I wanted to die,” Arizona said again when Callie couldn't say anything. Callie shot to her feet suddenly, gasping and grasping at nothing with both hands. Looking lost, she spun towards the door and Arizona closed her eyes. She couldn't watch her wife finally walk out.

Callie didn't leave though, couldn't actually turn the knob and leave the room. She loved Arizona. No matter what. And whatever she said, she couldn't turn her back on her. She wasn't sure she could look at her right now though. So she just stood there, in limbo. Not leaving, but unsure how to move forward, not at all convinced that they hadn't been moving backward this whole time and she'd been the only one unaware of it.

Arizona was braced for the sound of the door closing behind Callie but it never came. Opening her eyes slowly to find Callie frozen at the door Arizona stood up, brushing both hands against her pants as she moved toward her wife. Leanne was still sitting in her chair but the other two women were completely unaware of her continued presence. “Callie...” She reached for her shoulder and tried not to be hurt when Callie jerked away from her. “Will you look at me? Please?”

Callie couldn't do it though, couldn't see the defeat she feared was in the blue eyes that were her whole world. “I-I just -” She took a ragged breath, her face hot. “Why? Tell me why,” she pleaded. It would feel like a knife turning in a wound but she needed to know.

“Because I'm not whole,” answered Arizona, sighing heavily. “Because I didn't know how to live with being less than who I was. And I didn't want to be less to you, or for Sofia.” Another bracing breath was needed. “How could you love me when I can't love myself? So I wanted to die.”

Callie's tears couldn't be stopped, her shoulders jerking as she tried to do it anyway. “You're not less.” Nothing could make Arizona less in her eyes. Surviving what she'd survived, Arizona was nothing less than she had been, she was more. But she knew Arizona couldn't see it that way. She only saw what she'd lost. “You're amazing. You're still here and that's -”

“I'm not – I don't want to die,” Arizona said earnestly, not sure how to explain it. “Not anymore. I'm still working on the other stuff, but I do not want to die.”

“I cut off your leg and you blame me, Arizona! How in the hell are we supposed to get past this, even if you're not still ready for death?!” demanded Callie, spinning away from her and rubbing at her eyes with the heels of both hands. She groaned. “I shouldn't have made that promise, I know that. I shouldn't have been anywhere near being your doctor. But you're my wife, and you were so scared, and I just needed to _do_ something!” She choked, remembering vividly how it had felt to be powerless to save Arizona's leg. If there had been a way she'd have done it. If it was possible she would have willingly given her own leg to spare Arizona hers. The same way she'd give her life for Arizona's. “You were so scared, and I was so scared that if you lost that leg that I'd never get you back.”

“I'm right here,” Arizona whispered, moving forward half a step. She didn't touch her even though she was aching to when Callie's shoulders jerked as she cried. “And that's because of you, Callie. You saved my life.”

“I took your leg!” Callie argued loudly, gasping as she struggled to contain her tears.

Arizona sighed, not sure what to say. “I – that's why we're here, Callie,” she reminded her gently, stepping toward her again and catching Callie's arms from behind. Slumping forward, Arizona rested her head against the middle of her wife's back. Tremors shook through her and Arizona closed her eyes, breathing slowly. It took Callie a minute to start calming down but Arizona didn't move, even when her leg started to ache again. She only spoke when Callie's heartbeat under her ear had steadied again, wanting her to really hear her. “Because I want to move forward from this. With you and Sofia.” Sliding her arms around her middle gently Arizona was relieved to not be pushed away. “That's what I want. What I need. More than anything.”

Callie stayed silent, trying to work it all out in her brain. Arizona had wanted to die. Would have preferred that she'd simply let her go. But that wasn't simple. Losing her wife, her partner, the love of her life, it wasn't simple for her. It couldn't possibly be. And she'd made the only choice possible for herself. “I can't apologize for saving your life, Arizona.”

“I'm not asking you to,” Arizona answered her softly. “I'm not.” She took a deep breath, able to feel Callie's back moving as she drew in her own. “I don't want to die anymore. I want to see Sofia learn to run – probably next week at the rate she's going – and I want to see you win the Harper-Avery and every prize there is out there. And I want us to get Sofia a puppy when she's six and whines for one. And I want to wait up with you the night she's out on her first date when she's fifteen.” She smiled against Callie's shirt when she felt the tremor of laughter from her. “And I want to see you get streaks of gray in your hair and little wrinkles around your eyes -”

“Hey!” Callie protested suddenly, swatting her wife's arm at her waist.

“I want to live seventy more years with you, Calliope,” Arizona said in the same soft tone she'd been using. “I don't want to miss one day with you for the rest of our lives.” She nestled in closer, turning her head to rest her cheek on Callie's back and closing her eyes. “If you can put up with my gimpy ass for that long,” she added more lightly.

“Shut up,” Callie said, covering Arizona’s arms with her own and pulling them tighter around herself. “Do you love me?”

“More than anything,” answered Arizona without the slightest hint of hesitation. “Do you love me? Can you love this version of me?” Now that she knew everything, could Callie still love her? Part of her still didn't see how, but she'd be grateful every day if it was possible that Callie did still love her.

Callie tugged on her arms gently, loosening the grip so that she could turn around to face Arizona, pulling her back in immediately. Arizona's arms were almost painfully tight around her but she didn't mind it. “I – Arizona, I love you. You're not _any_ less to me. You're more amazing than you have ever been. Any version of you I get, I love you.” Blue eyes blinked back tears and Callie caught her face with both hands. “Can I ask you something?”

Arizona nodded quickly against Callie's fingers on her jaw. “Anything.”

It took Callie a second, her eyes searching Arizona's face. “I can't apologize for cutting off your leg. If I had to go back I would do it again every time.” Arizona nodded slowly, understanding. “I'm not sorry that you're still here with me. I never will be. But can you forgive me?” Because there was a difference. She wouldn't apologize because she couldn't actually be sorry that her wife was standing in her arms, even if she was standing on one false leg. But Arizona had to be willing to forgive her for that.

Blonde hair fell in her face as Arizona leaned forward to press her face into her partner's chest, breathing deep. She straightened before she answered though, needing Callie to look into her eyes. “I already have.” She'd been holding onto her anger for so long that letting it go, letting herself feel it and then working through it, realizing that Callie hadn't done anything she wouldn't have done, had been a relief. And saying it to Callie, seeing the realization dawning on her face, was more than a relief, almost bliss.

“Really?” asked Callie, choking on emotion. Arizona nodded, smiling through her tears. “ _Really_?”

Arizona wasn't sure anything she could say would convince her that she was telling the truth. So she didn't say anything. Instead she leaned in, licking her lips but pausing before they connected with Callie's. Callie didn't hesitate to take her up on the offer, kissing her softly.

Like every time they kissed the hesitancy lasted only a fraction of a heartbeat, Callie's fingers sliding over her cheeks and into her hair. Arizona didn't pull away, kissing her back slowly as her eyes fell closed. Callie's lips opened, her tongue tracing the seam of Arizona's lips before gaining entrance.

It was then that Dr. Connor cleared her throat and reminded the couple that they weren't alone. Arizona jumped, grabbing Callie's hand as she spun to face her therapist. “Oh God, we're sorry! Leanne, I am -”

“It's alright, Arizona, Callie,” she said with a warm smile for the pair. “I have my own thoughts, but how do you both think that went?” She gestured to the couch and Arizona led her wife to the seat by the hand, smiling sheepishly. “Callie?” she prompted. “Are you alright?”

Arizona was holding her hand in her lap and Callie nodded, feeling lightheaded. “I, uh, I'm a bit overwhelmed, honestly, but I'm okay.” She looked at Arizona. “Are you -?”

“Oh, I'm good,” Arizona said breathlessly, licking her lips. “Now. Now, I'm good.” Leanne smiled encouragingly at her patient. “What about you?

Dr. Connor's smile grew. Arizona had come a long way since their first meeting. It was refreshing to see. “I'm very pleased with how the whole session went. Is there anything else either of you would like to discuss while we're here?”

Callie's face pinched, her smile fading away. “What is it?” Arizona asked, angling her body toward her partner and squeezing her hand. “Talk to me. I'll tell you anything,” she promised. It wouldn't always be easy, hell, it might never be easy, but she was done hiding anything from her wife. “What is it?” she asked again, leaning forward and speaking softly.

Brown eyes were locked on Arizona. They were alone again, Leanne's presence out of their minds. “I need you to promise me something.” Arizona nodded, her brows furrowed. “I'm not kidding myself that this will be easy, okay? We'll get better though, right?” Another nod from her wife. “Well, if it ever gets bad again,” she choked, swallowing hard, “I need you to promise me that you won't hurt yourself.”

Arizona blinked, her mouth falling open. “Callie -”

“I just, I need to know that if it – when it gets bad again – that you'll come to me, or to Dr. Connor, or to anybody, and that you won't -”

“I won't,” promised Arizona seriously. “I wouldn't do that to myself, or you, or Sofia. I promise.” Callie nodded, relieved, and Arizona let a breath escape. “Okay? I swear to you. Come here,” she requested, opening one arm so Callie could slide closer. Her fingers combed through dark hair and Arizona kissed the side of her head. “I'm not going anywhere.”

One hand was still in Arizona's and her other hand rubbed her wife's thigh, breathing deep. “Me neither.”

Leanne smiled, glancing at the pair over her notepad. “If you both agree, I think we could be finished for today. You've both heard a lot, and said a lot today. So you two take a few days and if you need me before our next appointment, either of you, just call me. Is that alright?” Arizona nodded, feeling Callie's nod against her shoulder. “Very good work today, ladies.” She stood up as they did, Arizona holding onto her wife's hand not escaping her notice. “Enjoy the house hunting,” she added, shaking Callie's free hand. “Good luck.”

“Thank you.” Arizona smiled at her doctor. “I'll see you next week. And, again, thank you, Dr. Connor.” She didn't know where they would be if she hadn't gotten help. They were all surprised when Arizona jumped forward to hug her therapist. She was blushing, smiling sheepishly when she stepped back. “Okay, have a good day.”

Callie laughed quietly, reaching for her wife's hand and pulling her away. “Come on. Let's let Dr. Connor get on with her day.” And they were going home. She was exhausted. Surgery and this session had completely wiped her out. Arizona let herself be dragged out, wrapping her free hand around her wife's arm and squeezing lightly. Smiling at the contact, Callie led them into the elevator, only speaking when the doors closed. “I do have one thing...” Arizona went stiff at her side, blue eyes blinking up at her. “When you said we'd stay up together the night of Sofia's first date, I think you meant to say seventeen, not fifteen.”

Arizona's mouth fell open, her smile relieved. “Oh, honey, no. We can't be those parents. There's nothing wrong with dating at fifteen.”

“I was dating at fourteen,” Callie agreed, her head shaking. “But she's our daughter, Arizona...”

Arizona thought about it for a second before nodding in agreement. “You make a very good point,” she decided, changing her mind suddenly. “Maybe eighteen.” Callie laughed, warming her heart, and Arizona bumped her lightly with an elbow.


	9. Chapter 9

Callie still reached for Arizona as she woke up, even without her wife having been in their bed in months (again). Arizona was still sleeping on the couch. But she _had_ been in their bedroom Callie noticed as she turned over, spotting the time on the bedside clock. Her partner had turned the alarm off to let her sleep in. And she was making breakfast apparently, Callie sniffing the air as she sat up and stretched. It smelled like bacon and eggs and something sweet. A sudden crack of what sounded like lightning, thunder rumbling right after made her frown. But there were only light clouds outside the window, no hint of rain. Sliding out of bed and pulling on her robe Callie was greeted with a happy squeal from her daughter, Sofia already situated in her high chair with a bowl of dry Cheerios. “Good morning.”

Arizona turned from the stove with a smile, a steaming stack of blueberry pancakes on a plate beside her elbow. “Good morning, gorgeous. Did you sleep alright?”

“Got a little cold,” Callie answered, smirking at her partner. “This is a nice surprise. How long have you been up?”

“A little bit. You know Sof's not big on staying in bed past sunrise,” said Arizona with a laugh, leaning her cheek in for a kiss. Callie's hand squeezed her hip as the other hand snuck in to steal a crispy piece of bacon. “Hey! You know, if you want to help you could take some of this to the table.” It was playful, lighter than they'd managed in a long time. And the look Callie sent back at her was almost flirty.

Crunching on her prize, Callie picked up the platter with the eggs and bacon and carried it to the coffee table where they'd gotten accustomed to eating. It wasn't typical, but they didn't have room for a regular table and the bare metal bar stools could hurt Arizona's leg after a day on her feet at work so the couch and the coffee table worked out well. Thunder sounded again as she retrieved the carton of orange juice from the fridge. “Okay, what is that?” asked Callie, taking another look out the window to see that it still wasn't raining.

Arizona flipped a pancake and gestured with her spatula toward her laptop on the kitchen counter. “It's a website that just plays thunderstorm sounds. Dr. Connor found it for me.” Callie blinked, surprised. “I haven't worked up to playing it at night,” confessed Arizona with a shrug and a hopeful smile. “But it's helping, I think.” She walked the plate of pancakes to the table. “The first time I listened to it I couldn't move. I was just frozen, sweating, for half an hour before I shut it off.”

Callie smiled encouragingly at her. Arizona was incredible. There was just no other way to describe her. And she thought that she'd respected her before, been in awe of her before, _loved_ her before. But now, it just swept her away every time she even saw Arizona. She was in love with the most amazing, most brave and strong, most _awesome_ woman in the world. “Wow, I love you.”

Blue eyes blinked, a smile growing on her lips. It wasn't anything she hadn't heard from Callie before, recently even, but declarations of love weren't something she ever wanted to take for granted. And she didn't want answering it to be rote either. Putting down the plate and taking a step forward, Arizona touched Callie's arms with both hands. “I'm constantly amazed by how you love me,” she said quietly, meeting Callie's eyes. “Really. You're amazing, Calliope.” Leaning forward, Arizona met Callie for a soft kiss. Her hands slid up Callie's arms to her shoulder, stepping closer when those arms slipped around her waist.

A squeal from Sofia separated them this time, Callie dodging her head around Arizona to see their baby in her seat. “You're lucky you're so cute,” she mock-grumbled, narrowing her eyes at the giggling toddler. Arizona smiled against her shoulder, one finger pulling the strap of Callie's shirt aside so she could kiss the top of her chest. Callie's breathing went shaky, fingers squeezing her wife's hips. “Arizona... I think she wants to get down,” she said hesitantly. Arizona had mercy, stepping back and letting Callie go release their daughter from her highchair prison.

Sex hadn't even been an option since the storm but before that they'd only just started to get their spark back. And quite the spark it had been, easily fanned into the roaring flames of their life pre-plane crash. Arizona made her hot, always had. And one legged or two, she still did. Like before the storm though, things had to go at Arizona's pace. This time she knew that any moves Arizona made toward moving forward were honest and genuine. After their honesty yesterday she had no doubt of that.

A cool shower (alone) after breakfast helped calm her down, Arizona using the time to get Sofia dressed and ready to go house hunting with them. Callie got Sofia's bag together while Arizona got ready herself. The drive to the suburbs was quiet, Sofia noisily trying to sing along with the radio in her car seat. It was mostly gurgling but still maybe the most adorable thing Arizona had ever heard.

Pulling up beside the realtor's car they climbed out, Arizona getting Sofia out on her side and holding her against her hip when the little girl wanted to get down and wander. “Good afternoon, Julie” Callie greeted their agent, shaking hands with the tall, rail-thin woman. “I hope you don't mind we brought our little Sofia along.”

“Of course not! It's nice to see you again, Callie, Arizona.” She grinned at the suddenly shy little girl hiding her face in Arizona’s shoulder. “And very nice to meet you, pretty girl.” Stepping backwards without a glance or missing a step, Julie transitioned smoothly to her role as tour guide. “What do you think of the front?”

It was perfectly landscaped, a framed porch on ground level, the red door bright and shiny. Arizona liked the look of it a lot. The driveway was paved, a basketball hoop hanging over the garage door. There was a tree in front of the windows, perfect for a tire swing. And she wasn't even playing with herself that it would just be for Sofia.

Callie saw her wife's smile blossom and gave Julie a sly wink. “So far, so good,” she said, pleased with what they'd seen so far.

“Well, the inside is better,” the eager real estate agent told them, leading the way inside and stepping aside to let them explore. “Stairs are right here, obviously, and there's another staircase that comes out in the kitchen. Three bedrooms upstairs, one bathroom, with the other bathroom and the master on this floor.” She pointed to either side. “Living room to the left, dining room on the right. And the kitchen is through there. Where should we start?”

Arizona was already walking toward the living room though, the other two women left to follow her. “Look at this, baby girl!” she enthused in a whisper to Sofia. “It's so big!” Thick carpet covered the floor, a brick fireplace on the far wall. “What's that, Sofia? You don't know what that is, do you?”

Callie could hear her wife talking to their baby, bouncing her lightly as she moved, and couldn't keep her eyes off them long enough to really look at their surroundings. If Arizona and Sofia could be happy here then that was good enough for her. Arizona looked at her for a reaction and Callie's eyes jumped around the room. “It's nice. I like the windows. Lots of light.” She just smiled when Arizona smirked and rolled her eyes. Callie didn't hesitate to reach for the hand Arizona extended back toward her. She was more than okay with any contact she could get with her wife. And following their therapy session yesterday it seemed like Arizona couldn't get enough of holding her hand. The honesty had been hard to hear, would be hard to deal with, but if it had gotten them this back – the first steps in regaining their intimacy – then she was grateful forever.

A door opened to the fenced backyard, thick green grass and plenty of room. A concrete patio had enough space for a table and chairs, a grill. Callie liked that a lot. She knew they were close to a winner when they went back inside through the kitchen. She was more than happy with all of the shiny modern appliances, the counters, and storage space. And the open floor wouldn't restrict Arizona's wheelchair the way the tight corners of their apartment's kitchen did sometimes. 

“Well, if the bedrooms are as good as the rest of the house you might have a sale on your hands,” Arizona told Julie with a laugh, seeing her wife's expression. Eager to get the final approval, Julie ushered the three of them to the door off the hall beside the stairs, hanging back to let them talk without her looking over their shoulders.

Arm starting to ache, Arizona leaned over to let Sofia down. Standing up again, Callie's hand was on her back. “I think she likes it,” Arizona commented, watching their daughter wander and bounce lightly off the furniture and the walls. “What do you think?” she asked, leaning back into Callie's arm as they slipped around her side. “Are we home?”

Callie stepped behind her, resting her chin on her shoulder. “I love it,” she said contentedly. “How about you?”

Arizona walked them forward to look into the room's private bathroom. Sky blue tile and a generously roomy shower were all she needed to see. “I can see us growing old here,” she declared, laughing when Callie hugged her tighter. Warm kisses spread up and down her neck slowly. “So you agree?” Callie's nose bumped against her shoulder when the brunette nodded. “Should we go make an offer, then? I think it's in our budget,” she said lightly.

Callie didn't release her though, breathing deep and slow against her shirt. “I have – one thing...” She took another breath to gather her nerve. Today felt like a dream, everything going so well between them, and finding this house, and she didn't want anything to mess it up. But they'd just spent the day before being painfully, brutally honest with each other and it had helped. Callie had to trust that it would keep helping. “When we move, here or wherever, I don't want you sleeping on the couch anymore. I want you in bed with me.” Arizona's breath caught and Callie continued quickly, “Not in a sex way, even, but just, I want us to be together. I want you beside me every night, every morning when I wake up.” Arizona didn't say anything and Callie swallowed thickly. “I know you're scared because of what happened, but -”

“No, I know,” Arizona said softly, leaning her head against Callie's hair. “And I can understand. I miss you too. But Callie, do you know what it would do to me if I hurt you again?” She took a shaky breath. “You were afraid of me. I attacked you.”

“You were asleep. I scared you.”

“I was screaming and you tried to wake me up,” Arizona corrected her. It wasn't something they could just brush off as incidental. But Callie was right – they were back under the same roof but sleeping apart wasn't a viable solution either. And it wasn't something either of them wanted continuing. So something had to change. “I haven't had a nightmare as bad since that one,” she confessed. “It -”

“It was the storm,” Callie finished the statement. “I know.” She sighed, hesitating for a second. “But we live in Seattle, honey. Unless we don't...” Her hands slipped across her partner's hips. “I'll go anywhere with you, Arizona. We don't have to stay here.”

“The hospital...”

“I don't care about the hospital,” Callie said without a second thought. “Not compared to you. I just want you to be okay. And if that means we move somewhere where it doesn't rain, then we're moving.”

Arizona shook her head in denial. “We want Sofia to have a home.” They'd talked about it with Mark while Callie was still pregnant. Arizona had particularly put her foot down, having grown up moving to a new place every eighteen months. She didn't want that for her daughter. Sofia chose that moment to toddle into her parents' legs, grabbing onto Arizona's pants to stabilize herself and grinning up at them. Arizona turned her head to catch Callie's eyes. “We're home.” Sofia tripped over her fake left foot and Arizona looked down at her again. “As long as Little Miss likes her room, I mean,” she corrected herself.

Leaning over to pick Sofia up, Callie stepped back. “What do you think about that? Let's go see if we can pick the best room for you, huh? And you can have the bathroom all to yourself too. What do you think?” Sofia's happy giggle made her smile. The three bedrooms were all more than acceptable to the toddler and the family trooped back downstairs to give good news to their agent.

They were free for the rest of the day, grateful for the day off after everything they'd talked about the day before. Arizona wanted to start planning their packing right away but Callie put a gentle stop to that. Sofia was toddling from one side of the apartment to the other, content to bounce off the walls while her parents relaxed on the couch.

Arizona stretched, yawning and squeezing her eyes closed. Callie watched her without speaking, not sure what to say to her wife. They'd been open with each other, honest to a degree that had been painful. Now she didn't know what to say or how to say it, whether they should stay in that place of complete and utter honesty, or if they could both use a day off from the emotional work as well as their actual jobs. A groan fell from Arizona's lips and Callie's mouth opened. “You tired? Sore?” 

The questions didn't seem to faze her, Arizona nodding. “Yeah, a little. Sofiarita's getting heavy.” She smiled tiredly to herself, one eye cracking open to watch their daughter. “Cuter every day though.” A dimple popped in her cheek but she didn't look away from the walking miracle in front of them. “And as pretty as her mommy.”

Callie caught a shaky breath, lip falling open. “Can I give you a massage?” Arizona blinked, drawing air slowly in through her nose and held it for a long moment before blowing it out. “Your shoulders,” Callie quickly clarified. She wasn't sure either of them were ready for her to go near the leg yet. “Rub your back?”

It took her a second, but Arizona moved slowly to put her back toward Callie. One hand pulled her hair forward over her shoulder. Her chin dropped to her chest when Callie's gifted fingers started working on the top of her shoulder, massaging a knot out of her trapezius muscles. “Oh God, your hands...” Callie didn't make a sound but she knew that her partner was smiling behind her. Her wife had amazing hands though. There was a reason that she was the premiere Orthopedic surgeon on the West Coast. One of her own hands brushed the end of her left leg and her breath hitched.

“Sorry, is that spot tender?” Callie asked, moving up onto her knees behind Arizona for better leverage but shifting her touch to another muscle group.

Arizona didn't dissuade her. She didn't want Callie to stop. Callie had truly gifted hands. And Callie would have saved her leg if anyone could have. She and Dr. Connor had talked and talked about that in their sessions. It was the truth of the situation and she'd had to accept it. It was the only way to move forward with her life. Because she still had a life to move forward with. She made her hand flatten against the top of her thigh, fingertips grazing the neat line of scar tissue on her stump. This was the cost of saving her life. Her skin was warm but Callie's touch was scorching her, thumbs rolling down the sides of her spine. Arizona let herself fall even further forward, moaning as her muscles loosened and stretched. Callie took the opportunity to work on her lower back, eliciting more appreciative noises from Arizona.

Everything felt warm and soft, a little fuzzy and hazy around the edges when Callie's hands finally worked their way back up, finishing with soft circles of her thumb and forefinger with Arizona’s earlobe between them, her wife's secret weakness. Callie just smiled when Arizona slumped back against her, breathing deep while she relaxed in a limp puddle on her chest. “You good?”

Arizona could hear the smile in her voice. “You sound smug.” She couldn't argue though. Callie was very good with her hands. “But, yes, I'm good.” She snuggled her head back into Callie's shoulder. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“You tired?” Callie's tone was soft, her breath a gentle tickle against Arizona's ear. Sofia was sleepy, had settled on her bottom on the rug and was blinking at them as she battled her exhaustion. “I'll get Sof down and we could go to bed,” she suggested hopefully.

Sighing, Arizona leaned up to kiss the closest bit of Callie's face. “I think we should get her in bed.” Sensing she was being talked about Sofia looked in their direction and smiled sleepily. The expression only lasted a few seconds, wobbling as she lost the struggle to stay awake. “Oop, baby, it's okay,” Arizona promised quickly, sitting up and scrambling to Sofia on her hands and knee. “We're here. Let's get you in bed, yeah?” she asked, leaning in to kiss her cheek softly.

Sofia crawled willingly to her, lifting her hands to be picked up. There was no way to stand them both up without her leg on though. Behind them Callie got to her feet. “You need -?”

“Could you get her?” Arizona asked. “I can get up, I just can't...”

“Yeah, of course.” Sofia wasn't picky about which of her parents picked her up as long as she was airborne, snuggling willingly into Callie's shoulder. Arizona got herself into her wheelchair without a problem, leading the way into Sofia's room. “Good night, baby girl,” Callie sighed softly as she put her down in her crib, kissing her face. “Sleep tight.”

Arizona tucked her in, both of them relieved when Sofia didn't fight or fuss further against sleep. She just sighed and let her tired eyes fall closed. “We love you.” Sofia made a soft noise and blinked at them, a faint smile curling her lips as she looked at her parents from her pillow. “Sleep tight.” Sofia wriggled under her blankets and Arizona smiled as she stroked a hand gently over her side.

They withdrew in silence, leaving Sofia's room restful and dim. Callie put the chain on their front door but hesitated there. She wasn't sure what to expect from the quiet night. Things had been going well, or they felt more normal, at least. Of course, she'd thought they were almost back to normal before. Before the storm had come and washed her delusions away. They'd been honest with each other though, and things had been better – real. So she had to ask, “Where are you sleeping tonight?”

Arizona took a moment, breathing deep. “I need to sleep on the couch, Callie. I'm not ready...”

Callie couldn't push her. Arizona had to move at her own pace. Her wife's recovery couldn't be dictated by her desires. “Okay.” And at least they were in the same apartment now. She would be there if Arizona needed her, not across the hall. There would be only one blue door between them.

“Hey.” Arizona's gentle call made Callie turn to face her. “Come here,” she requested softly. Callie crossed to her and knelt in front of her chair. Fingers hooked in the collar of her shirt, pulling her forward. Arizona kissed her softly, brief contact that left them both aching for more. Arizona backed off though, licking her lips as she locked eyes with Callie. “I love you. You know that? I love you so much.”

“I know,” Callie confirmed, nodding. “I love you too.” She leaned up for another kiss. “Sleep well,” she moved up further to whisper in her ear.

“Goodnight, Callie.” Arizona watched her go into the bedroom, their bedroom, but she didn't shut the door behind her. It was a sweet gesture, giving her an option if she wanted it, keeping the way literally open, leaving nothing between them. And she wanted to roll her chair through the doorway, crawl into bed with her wife. First though, she wanted to be better, able to trust herself in the dark without fearing the nightmare woods.

Arizona heard Callie shuffling around the room as she prepared for bed, the water running in the bathroom as she washed her face and brushed her teeth, the sheets rustling as she got in bed and the click that followed as she turned off the lamp. The light from the kitchen was the only light in the apartment that wasn't Sofia's nightlight.

Knowing Callie took a few minutes to fall asleep Arizona got ready to bunk down on the couch, the quiet sounds reassuring Callie as she gave up consciousness. Arizona could recognize her wife's steady breathing as she slept, despite having not slept beside her in months. She would always know what Callie's breath sounded like when she was sleeping. Meredith hadn't made much noise when she'd slept, only the occasional whimper when her injuries had ached. Cristina snored. Derek's breathing had been raspy and fast. Mark... Mark's breathing had sounded as if he were drowning, fluid left over in his lungs from the cardiac tamponade. No, she'd been unable to relax even slightly without imagining Callie's soft breaths against her ear as they slept. Callie liked being the big spoon, holding her protectively in her arms and shielding her, keeping her warm and safe.

The complete and utter opposite of the stark, cold, danger of the forest.

Arizona sat up on the couch, having no intention of trying to sleep yet. She flipped up the screen of her computer, pulling up the familiar site Dr. Connor had given her. Blue eyes closed when she heard the first rumble of thunder, her heart jumping in her chest. She was safe though, at home with her wife and daughter. They were all safe. Swallowing resolutely, she breathed deep and typed a simple search into another tab on her browser. Forest sounds. It seemed innocuous. She even knew of alarm clocks that would play woodland sounds to soothe people to sleep.

The first chirp of a cricket sent a chill down her spine. A croaking frog set her teeth on edge. Crunching leaves made sweat bead at her temples, slide down her back. She forced herself to stare at the fridge, keeping her eyes focused through force of will, scared to blink lest the darkness send her back to the forest that haunted her. The sounds of the night, _those_ nights in the woods, surrounded her, every moment threatening to overwhelm her.

Arizona didn't turn it off though, determined to regain her life, take away the woods' power over her. There was a picture of Sofia on the fridge, more than one, as a matter of fact, and she trained her gaze on them. Her baby's smiling, loving, beautiful face was what had kept her alive in the woods. It was what kept her sane when they'd come home. She was getting better for herself, her own sake, but Sofia was the reason she'd fought before she'd learned to fight for herself.

Time passed as animal sounds interspersed with rumbles of thunder, the darkest of nights playing themselves out in her mind. Arizona kept herself calm though, gradually steadying her breathing, calming her heart rate, trying to let the sounds wash over her without going through her and wreaking their havoc on her senses. A noise that wasn't part of the tapestry she'd woven made her jump, startled. Surprised, Callie froze in the doorway from their bedroom, her eyes wide.

“Arizona?” The sounds of an owl hooting had made Callie think she'd fallen asleep with the window open until she'd become aware enough to remember that they lived in downtown Seattle, sixty feet in the air. She'd gotten used to sleeping facing Arizona's empty half of the mattress and had to pick her head up to see the clock on the far side of the bed. It was after midnight and she realized what was happening. She'd done it again – asked Arizona for something and pushed her to be better. Callie swung her legs out of bed and crossed the bedroom.

The sight of her wife sweating and panting on the couch made her want to go to her but she froze when Arizona jumped, not wanting to scare her worse. Because Arizona looked petrified with fear, sweaty hair sticking to her neck, her good leg folded under her, and every inch of her skin pale.

Callie didn't move but whispered, “What can I do, sweetheart? I'll do anything.”

“Don't touch me,” Arizona answered immediately. “Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me,” she repeated it in a hushed breath, over and over.

“I won't,” Callie promised, nodding and taking a cautious step forward. “Can I turn it off?”

“No,” Arizona gasped, her eyes jumping to Callie. “It helps.”

Callie sighed, brows furrowing. “I pushed you again. I'm sorry. This isn't – don't do this to yourself.”

“I want to be better. This helps,” Arizona gritted out. She breathed deep. This wasn't Callie's fault. Callie looked anxious though, unconsciously wringing her hands in front of her. “Would you sit with me?”

Moving forward before the question was even out of her mouth Callie dropped herself into the chair across from the couch. She didn't want to get too close to Arizona and spook her but couldn't bear to just leave her alone like this. She had a feeling it all might have been easier for Arizona if she had been able to give her space. “I'm sorry I couldn't just let go,” Callie whispered, not sure Arizona even heard her over the sound of thunder from the laptop on the coffee table.

Arizona didn't respond, wiping a trickle of sweat from her face. She had had that same thought more than once in her darker moments. It was something she'd had to work through. And she had. It had taken time, but she'd gotten through it. She would keep working and get through this too. However, she'd learned in therapy that the changes she wanted weren't going to happen overnight. This would take time.

Leaning forward, Arizona turned down the volume on her computer. Her right leg unfolded gingerly and she gasped at the pins and needles that rushed up her limb. Her traitorous brain supplied the same sensation on her left side. Callie moved again but Arizona didn't look up until a damp towel appeared in front of her. “Thank you.” She took the cool cloth and wiped her face gratefully, dragging it across the back of her neck.

Callie's hands were wringing again, her weight shifting from side to side. “I'll go back to bed.” She couldn't sleep now, knowing what Arizona was struggling with in here. But she couldn't push herself in the middle of Arizona's recovery.

Her big heart was one of the reasons Arizona had fallen in love with Callie in the first place. The fact that it belonged to her, that so much of it was devoted to her, it was scary sometimes. No one in her entire life had ever loved her like Callie did. And she'd never let anyone into her own heart like she had with Calliope Torres. She couldn't let her go either, not even to the other room. “Please stay with me.” Callie hadn't moved, just blinked at her. “Until I fall asleep?”

Moving around the coffee table Callie was clearly hesitant, reluctant to do anything that might set Arizona back or scare her. “Here?” she checked, part of her relieved when Arizona pulled her down by the arm, jerking her almost roughly onto the couch cushion beside her. “Okay,” she chuckled, brushing hair back from Arizona's face with two fingers. “I'm here.” Her palm cupped her wife's cheek and she sighed. “Will you rest? Lay down? I'll leave once you fall asleep if you want me to.”

“That's not what I want,” Arizona sighed as she shifted down the couch, pillowing her head next to Callie's leg.

“Here.” Callie coaxed her up slightly, combing fingers through her hair when Arizona settled her head into her lap. She reached for the blanket on the back of the couch, stretching over to cover her up carefully.

There was a quiet moment where they were serenaded by the noises of the night. Callie knew they petrified Arizona, turned her to stone, and rightly so, but she couldn't feel it. She found them peaceful, reminding her of a time before she'd been a surgeon, before she'd had a purpose and had been content to travel and hike. It was a fundamental difference between them now that might never change.

“I want to be better,” Arizona whispered. “That's what I want.”

Callie would give anything to make this easier for Arizona, to be able to protect her, save her from any pain. And no matter how many nights ended like this, Arizona pale and scared and pushing herself, she was going to be there to get through them with her.


	10. Chapter 10

Owning the hospital had saved jobs, made them their own bosses, but it had had the side effect of bequeathing the new board with what Callie thought might be actual _tons_ of paperwork. A tricky case had kept Arizona at the hospital overnight so Callie, coming in to do her department's budget, had sent her home with Sofia. She'd wanted to turn right around and go home with her girls but had to stay, trying to get over a bad habit of procrastination when it came to paperwork. If she didn't do it now it would just be worse the next time she had to deal with it. And there was only so much she could force interns to do for her.

A headache was pounding behind her eyes by the time she left, though thankfully Seattle was cooperating by providing cloud cover so she didn't have to bother with sunglasses as she crossed the street. They'd just started packing to move form their apartment to the house. Callie knew her wife was type A, she was a surgeon, they were all a little type A. She was now quite sure that no one she'd ever met, not her father, not her mother, maybe not even Bailey, was as type A as Arizona Robbins. She was certainly the Colonel's daughter. It meant that going home to a drill sergeant had become her life the last week since Arizona had declared that they were within her designated window of time for packing before they moved. It made her hesitate to open the door. All discomfort or apprehension about Arizona's packing fervor completely vanished when she got to her apartment and opened the door.

Callie was prepared for Arizona marching around like an actual cyborg, full of nearly endless energy and literally endless lists of things they needed to do. Instead she found Arizona passed out flat on her back on the couch, Sofia sleeping just as heavily between her mother's side and the back of the couch. Callie froze just inside the apartment, closing the door as silently as possible and sneaking her phone from her pocket to snap a few pictures. Arizona would act grumpy about her watching her sleeping but she'd appreciate the candid pictures of the two of them.

Callie stood, silently watching them for a few minutes, indulging in her private favorite pastime. It was sweet that their afternoon naps had lined up so cutely. Arizona had been pushing herself hard at work, on her feet for longer and longer stretches. Even when she was dead on her feet she'd still arranged to take care of Sofia, the little girl cocooned safe and sound in her arms. As a matter of fact, Sofia was so comfortable with her position that she was drooling on her mother's shoulder. It was adorable. Arizona's head was leaned over against Sofia's hair, her breath rustling the toddler's bangs. This was a scene that would never have happened even three months ago, Arizona's faith in herself too shaken to believe she could be trusted alone with their baby. Seeing it now made her heart skip in her chest.

Snapping one more close up for good measure, Callie tucked her phone back in her pocket after emailing the photos to Barbara Robbins. There weren't any dirty dishes in the sink to suggest her ladies had eaten recently so she peeked in the fridge to find something for dinner. Sofia woke up just as she was taking their lasagna out of the oven. While it had cooked she'd also finished boxing up the top of their closet and the bookcase in the living room. Now she moved to pick up Sofia before her squirming to climb down on her own woke Arizona.

“Hola, mija,” Callie cooed as she lifted her up before putting her back down on the floor before Sofia could start whining to get down. Now that she could walk that was all she wanted to do. She seemed to think all the boxes on the floor had been put there for her amusement, a maze for her to play with. “Did you have a good nap with Mommy?” Sofia smiled, head bobbing as she nodded. “Are you hungry? Want some supper?”

Arizona had just started to rouse when Callie's pager went off halfway through dinner, sitting up to rub her eyes. She looked for Sofia first when her daughter wasn't beside her, relieved to see her in her seat with marinara spread around her mouth. “Callie, I'm sorry,” she yawned, stretching. “I didn't mean to fall asleep.”

“It's fine,” Callie assured her easily. “You two needed your naps.” It was a gentle jab, the brunette smiling to herself as she read the display on her pager. “Crap,” she sighed, disappointed. “Duty calls.”

“I'm awake now. I'll take over.” Arizona hurried to lever herself into her wheelchair. Falling asleep on the couch for most of the afternoon had not been in the plan. Callie hadn't been idle since she'd been home though. And Arizona was sure Callie thought she was getting away with it unnoticed, but she was aware that her wife had been doing more of the packing that required height on her own. Callie was trying to help, be thoughtful, and that's how she was going to take it. It wasn't a statement about her disability because she wasn't sure Callie had honestly ever thought of her as being disabled.

“It's okay,” Callie said with a quiet laugh. She leaned in to kiss Arizona’s cheek as she rolled up to the kitchen counter. “I didn't make you a plate yet because I didn't want it to get cold but the pan is in the oven.”

“Got it. Thank you.”

Callie winked, moving in again for a quick peck on the lips. “Anything for my girls.” She dropped a kiss on Sofia's head and then on her cheek when her chubby face tilted back in expectation. Callie laughed again, licking her lips when the sauce from lunch transferred from her daughter's face. “I made supper, you can handle bath time.”

Smiling, Arizona nodded. “That sounds fair.” Callie was tugging on her sneakers, checking her phone, and grabbing her jacket in a flurry of activity. “Big case? Should we wait up?”

“She definitely shouldn't,” Callie decided, pointing at Sofia. “You could,” she said, giving Arizona a sweet smile. “If you wanted.” It became a playful smirk. “I feel sure you'll be up packing anyway but I'm going to pretend it's for me.” She blew Arizona a kiss as she breezed out. “Bye! Goodnight, Sofia! Sleep tight! Mama loves you!”

Packing from a wheelchair was complicated, Arizona too stubborn to ask for help and determined to do what she saw as her share of their moving, even when Callie was at the hospital and she was packing while Sofia was down for the night. She was sure any number of their friends from the hospital would have helped her if she'd called but she kind of liked the quiet. The simulated storm on her laptop was the only noise beside the snap of the tape breaking as she closed boxes. Alone she didn't have to be embarrassed about her slow pace.

Deciding that she was going to box plates come hell or high water, Arizona looked around for her crutches. Something in her stomach twisted when she realized that they had been left at Mark's apartment. The other apartment had always conjured mixed emotions in her. Leaving the building that had seen so many good and bad memories made her sad though. So much history...

Arizona left the door open behind her in case Sofia woke up and cried for her, rolling into the empty, dark apartment. There was almost nothing left behind now. They hadn't been back since Arizona had come home, Callie arranging for movers to pack up the last of the furniture for consignment. Her crutches were leaning against the empty kitchen bar. She couldn't move forward to get them without seeing Callie cowering behind the overturned bar stool. Forcing her eyes away she remembered coming over for (slightly burnt) cookies with Mark and Lexie at Christmas the year Sloane Sloan had been with them. And right where she was parked was actually where she'd helped Teddy deliver Mark's grandson. Her daughter had been conceived here while she had been on another continent.

Breathing deep and trying to push the memories away Arizona put both crutches across her lap and turned her chair around slowly. They were moving forward, putting the past behind them. She had just shut the door behind her when Callie came around the corner. “Hey -” Her tone changed sharply when she noticed the look on her partner's face. “Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?”

Arizona just sighed, shaking her head. “I'm good. Nothing's wrong. Just thinking.”

“Are you sure?” Callie asked, following her wife back into their apartment. She could guess at what was going through Arizona's mind, however, and didn't push it. “Whoa, you've been working hard!” she exclaimed, seeing the neat stack of boxes lining the walls. “You hardly left anything for the movers to do.” She realized why her wife had been retrieving her crutches and shot a narrow look at the seated blonde but didn't say anything about it. “I'm here now. Put me to work.”

“How about we take a break?” suggested Arizona instead, wheeling to the couch and pushing herself from her chair to the cushion. Callie didn't need to be asked twice and was right behind her, sitting down and pulling Arizona's foot between her hands without prompting. Both thumbs rubbed into her sole and Arizona groaned, shifting down the couch as her eyes closed. “God, your hands are amazing...”

“Thank you,” Callie said smugly, smirking when Arizona blushed. “You should let me do this more often,” she mused, rubbing the tension slowly out of her heel and working her way up. “You're all tense. It has to get sore.”

Callie touching her hadn't felt clinical since their encounter in the x-ray viewing room, no matter that Callie had insisted that she was being professional at that moment. If she thought her wife touched her patients like she'd touched her, well there would be hell to pay from _somebody_. The look in Callie's eyes when she'd knelt in front of her was all for her though and she knew it better than she knew her own name. Callie didn't look at anyone, maybe had _never_ looked at anyone, the way she looked at Arizona.

It was the look on her face at this moment that swept Arizona away. And Callie wasn't even looking _at_ her. At least not any more of her than her right foot. But Callie's love was in her eyes, in the way her mouth curled at the corner, in the strong fingers working so carefully across her skin. Callie's love for her was in everything she did these days.

Arizona couldn't help herself, pulling her foot away so she could turn around, crawling forward to put her head in her partner's lap. The last time they'd been this way she'd been shaky and stressed and Callie had sat with her, soothed her, made it safe for her to sleep. Now she just wanted to be close, for no other reason than she loved her wife. She hesitated before putting her head on Callie's thigh, breathing deep when the hands that had been rubbing her foot wove into her hair and guided her down the last inch. “This okay?”

“Always,” Callie murmured, losing herself in waves of fair hair. Arizona's hand stroked her knee lightly and from here Callie could reach her neck and shoulder and the top of her arm.

“Are you ready to move?” They'd closed on the house in only a few weeks thanks to the resources at their command, and her type A packing meant they'd be done in a matter of days at the apartment. “I mean, you've lived here for a long time.”

Blonde hair slipped through her fingers like silk, Arizona closing her eyes at the contact. Playing with her hair was always a quick way to put her wife to sleep. She couldn't remember the last time Arizona had just fallen asleep in her lap without her first surviving a stressful night. This last year had seen more trauma and pain than any other year of her life, even the relief of getting Arizona back not outweighing the anguish of Mark's death, Arizona's rage and pain over the loss of her leg, their struggle to get back to normal only to have a storm wash the ground out from beneath their feet again.

“You awake up there?” Arizona asked softly when Callie didn't speak, turning her head up to look up at her wife.

Callie just sighed, meeting blue eyes. “I am _so_ ready to move on,” she said hoarsely, swallowing a lump in her throat. They would make more, new, painful memories in their life she was sure, but the air here was choked with them, with ghosts. They deserved a chance to move forward, breathe fresh air in a new place. Leaning forward, she pressed her lips to Arizona's forehead. “I love you.” 

Arizona's fingers wove through the back of her hair, touch guiding her head down. She hesitated though, licking her lips. Their eyes locked, Callie mirroring her and wetting her own lips. Arizona was the one to move, lifting her head and sliding her hand across her partner's jaw as their mouths met. The kiss was soft, slow, almost tentative as they reacquainted themselves with this, the closeness, the connection, the _feeling_ that was perpetually simmering between them. Again Arizona was the one to move first, her tongue peeking forward between Callie's lips.

That was all it took for the dam to break, Callie's control always tested around Arizona even on her best day. Callie's free hand found the side of her face, thumb stoking lightly across Arizona's neck. She could feel the pulse jumping under her touch, Arizona's breathing ragged and hard as their lips broke apart only to meet again a split second later.

“Callie...” Panting, Arizona pushed herself with both hands to sit up, following her wife's mouth as Callie moved as well. An arm curled across her waist and pulled her in, Callie still shifting herself. Arizona wasn't entirely sure how it happened actually, but she blinked and was on her back on the couch where Callie had been seated and her lover was stretched out over her and still kissing her as if neither of them needed to do anything but _this_ for the rest of their lives. It was normal, their normal before the crash, natural, so _them_ , and such a relief that Arizona wanted to cry. But crying right now would freak Callie out and that would lead to stopping. And she didn't want to stop. She wanted nothing more than to keep kissing her wife until the lack of oxygen burned in her lungs.

A hand slipped under the (probably dirty and definitely sweaty) t-shirt Arizona had worn to pack in, Callie’s hand scorching against her skin even as it skated across her in a gentle caress. “Okay?” Callie asked breathlessly between kisses as her touch moved up, feeling the muscles of Arizona's stomach jump under her fingertips.

The answer to her question came as Arizona's hands fisted tightly in the back of her shirt, keeping her from moving. Callie wasn't interested in going anywhere though. Arizona bucked when her hand slipped up, fingers pushing her bra up and out of her way. Callie's hand palmed her breast and Arizona's head fell back as she gasped and moaned. Callie's mouth moved more than willingly to her arching neck, Arizona panting for breath and calling her name. “Don't stop,” she begged, one hand threading through dark hair. She could feel Callie's hand on her chest, her lips on her neck, her body's warmth pressing her into the cushions of their couch. And she could feel Callie's other hand sliding up the outside of her shortened thigh to tease the edge of the long shorts she was wearing, fingers hesitating right at the edge, hovering between cotton and flesh that was aching for her touch. “Don't stop,” she repeated deliberately, still breathing hard. Callie's hand flattened against her thigh, moving in slowly, and Arizona's body bucked again. “Jesus!”

Callie couldn't help smiling at that, mouth close enough to Arizona's neck that her lips dragged against slick skin when she did. She lapped at the pounding pulse with the flat of her tongue and Arizona sucked in a sharp breath over her head, the heartbeat under Callie's touch jumping and pounding. “God, you feel good,” Callie whispered, squeezing the flesh under her left hand while her right slipped ever higher toward scorching heat. Two fingers pushed damp fabric aside, Arizona's hips jumping again.

“Please, Callie, please.”

It was all she needed to hear, Callie's fingers pushing inside and planting while they both froze, adjusting to the closeness. Moving her other hand, Callie brushed blonde hair back from her lover's face, Arizona's eyes squeezed closed as she struggled to draw in deep breaths. “Honey,” Callie ducked her head to kiss Arizona’s chin, “Arizona, open your eyes,” she whispered. Dark blue irises fought their way open and met her gaze, Callie leaning her weight on her elbow. Her hips shifted between Arizona's legs, her partner's right knee curling over to keep her in place. She started thrusting the hand between them slowly, her body moving to pace the plunges even as Arizona's hips began rocking to the rhythm her fingers set.

Arizona could already feel her body responding to her partner, muscles tightening around her to keep Callie inside her. It had been so long and she felt _so_ good moving against her. She didn't want it to end too soon but feared her sex-starved body wouldn't be able to hold back. She could already feel the familiar tremor in her stomach, her breath coming short. Callie knew what she needed though, knew how to touch her.

“It's okay,” Callie whispered, kissing her forehead, her cheek, her nose, her ear, with light pecking kisses as her pace picked up. “I'm right here. It's me. Don't hold back,” she breathed. If Arizona could come she wanted her to. She wanted to bring her to it, hold her through it and bring her back again. “I love you so much.”

Arizona threw her head back as she came, her entire body arching tight like a bow as she spasmed around Callie's fingers. Callie stayed close, kept moving, and kept her in the moment, riding the rising tide of pleasure with her. Her hips jerked against Callie's, losing their rhythm in her body's desperate efforts to get more friction, more sensation, more of Callie's fingers hitting all the right places inside her. When her body finally went limp, her lungs burning and screaming for breath, Callie was right there with her, falling heavily on top of her and panting hard next to her head. “Are you okay?” Arizona asked breathlessly, uncoordinated fingers tangling in dark, sweaty hair.

Callie managed a hoarse laugh. “Are you seriously asking me that? I'm amazing.”

“You really are,” Arizona said with her own laugh, squeezing the fingers still between her legs. “So, that was... unexpected,” she said, struggling to catch her breath. The sweat on her chest was making her shirt stick to her skin.

“Good, though, right?” checked Callie, picking her head up.

“Shut up,” Arizona cut her off before any insecure, anxious ramblings could start. “I love you. Get back down here,” she prompted, tugging gently on Callie's hair to coax her head back to her own chest.

Neither one spoke as they caught their breath, Callie pulling out and sliding to the side. She kept her arm across the blonde's waist though, fingers of the other hand stroking lightly through fair hair. Arizona was breathing steadily, her eyes closed and one arm resting lightly across Callie's shoulders while her right hand traced invisible patterns across the forearm Callie had across her middle. She seemed perfectly content and peaceful. 

And Callie was beside her trying not to freak out. Because she'd just had sex with her wife for the first time (again) in almost five months. It wasn't as long as their previous drought had been after the crash, but it had still been significant. And Arizona still wasn't sleeping in their bed, even if she had worked up to playing her storm sounds at night in the weeks since they'd talked at the new house and was coping better. So what the hell did it mean that they'd just had sex (amazing, hot, wonderful sex) on their couch?! She missed when them _not_ having sex was cause for a freak out. Why did everything have to be so complicated now? Why couldn't she just make love to her wife and be happy about it?

“What are you thinking about so loud?” Arizona asked without opening her eyes, her voice drowsy, interrupting Callie's mental panic.

Scrambling for something to say that didn't involve sex, Callie asked, “So, um, are you ready to move?”

Arizona stretched, still not opening her eyes, and yawned, pressing their chests together as she did so and utterly distracting Callie. “Oh, yeah. Let's go to bed,” she agreed even as she curled into Callie's side.

Callie blinked in surprise. “Wait, what?” She'd meant moving out of the apartment, the topic they'd been discussing before the spontaneous couch sex had happened. Maybe only having sex every six months was melting her brain... And thinking sex could solve their problems before had blown up in their faces pretty spectacularly.

“It's not about the sex, Callie,” said Arizona softly, able to read her partner's eyes. “I've been working on this, you know that.” She took a deep breath, holding it until Callie's worried look softened. “I want to be close to you. Because I love you.”

“I love you too,” whispered Callie. 

“After sex like that I can't sleep alone, so you either have to sleep here on the couch or we can go to bed. It's your choice,” Arizona said, her eyes drooping as she struggled to stay awake. “Couch or bed, Calliope?”

Smiling to herself, Callie spoke up quickly, “Bed.” She wasn't going to let this opportunity slip through her fingers. She'd sleep wherever she had to sleep as long as Arizona was beside her, but they had options here in their own home. Their bed was always going to trump the couch. “I pick bedroom.”

“Let's move to the bedroom, sure,” Arizona mumbled. “I'm not sure my leg works yet though, so you're going to have to help me.” Her eyes opened and Callie could only stare, a happy smile growing on full lips. “That's okay though, right?”

Suddenly too choked up to speak, Callie cleared her throat, nodding. “Yeah,” she said hoarsely. “I can keep you up – on your feet, I mean...”

Arizona's smile was soft, sweet and loving. She was perfect, beautiful beyond any words Callie could come up with. And then the smile went playful, teasing and smirking and light. It was breathtaking in a whole different way. “Oh, I'm planning on keeping you up all night,” Arizona promised, leaning forward for a too-brief kiss before she was sitting up, pulling Callie's arm around her waist and using her as leverage to push herself onto her good foot. Callie was right there though, keeping her steady and helping her step forward.


	11. Chapter 11

The first soft rumble of thunder disturbed no one in the Robbins-Torres household. Storms in Seattle were a common enough occurrence that it took a lot to rouse most of Seattle's residents. The majority of those people weren't surgeons with ears honed for the beep of a pager. A loud crack of lightning followed after a few moments. Arizona Robbins was awake before the echos had faded away. It happened every time there was a storm, making for more than a few rough mornings at work. At least she didn't wake up screaming anymore though, she reflected as she sat up and pushed the sheets away from her. And the sweating had gotten better too. She fanned her camisole against her skin as she put her leg over the edge of the bed, doing a deep breathing exercise on instinct. A glance over her shoulder showed Callie sleeping peacefully on her stomach, not bothered by the growing storm outside.

Arizona smiled at the sight of her, a relieved breath making her chest rise and fall. It was always a relief to see Callie when a storm woke her. Callie beside her meant that she wasn't in the woods. Callie meant she was safe. Callie meant she was home.

However, even with how much better she'd gotten at dealing with everything – her anger, her entire range of emotions, really, and her triggers – they had only been in the new house for two weeks so the surroundings weren't exactly familiar and she always had trouble going back to sleep during a storm. The longer she just sat here the more likely that Callie would notice and wake up. So Arizona buckled on her quickest, lightest prosthetic, entirely functional rather than aesthetically pleasing, the one she wore around the house when she needed to move around freely but didn't want to use her chair.

She still took it slow on the stairs, stopping once when the thunder seemed to shake the walls. It was only her imagination making it echo. It hadn't even woken Sofia, her baby girl sprawled on her stomach in the same position as her mother in the downstairs bedroom. Arizona didn't fight her smile as she pulled the blanket over her, leaning over Sofia's new 'big kid' bed and kissing the side of her face lightly. “Sweet dreams, baby. I love you.” Lightning snapped again and she closed her eyes, breathing in the sweet smell of Sofia's soap on her skin.

Sofia turned over, as if sensing her mother's presence, and reached for her. Arizona smoothed her thumb across the back of a small hand. Brown eyes blinked open and Arizona held her breath. She hadn't meant to wake either of her girls. If Sofia woke up now she'd never get her back to sleep. “Ma-ma?” It was stuttered sleepily, the hand Arizona wasn't holding rubbing at one eye.

“Sleep, sweet girl,” Arizona whispered. “It's okay.”

“Mama, you scawwed?” Sofia hadn't yet mastered the hard 'R' sound. Arizona was sure she wasn't ready for learning about hallucinations or night terrors either, so when she'd talked to her daughter about why she wasn't around at night while she'd been staying at Mark's she'd said she was scared of the dark. Sofia had promptly given her her own treasured leopard to keep her safe at night. Still half asleep, Sofia pulled the toy out from under her blankets and pushed it at Arizona.

Breathing deeply, Arizona blinked back a wave of love that threatened to wash her away. “I'm a little scared,” she confessed honestly, hugging the stuffed animal to her chest with one arm, her other hand combing through dark curls. “But I think Spots should stay with you. I've got Mami to keep me safe tonight.”

Easily convinced, Sofia took her toy back and stuffed it beneath the sheets again. “Thank you, though,” Arizona whispered, leaning over to kiss her cheek. “You two sleep tight.” She used both hands to tuck the blankets tenderly around her little girl before leaving the room.

Without turning on any lights Arizona went through the house to the kitchen, pouring a glass of water for herself and pacing through the living room. It had only been a few short weeks but they were mostly unpacked already, only a few boxes remaining. Sipping her water, Arizona sorted through one of the boxes of knick knacks. A picture of Mark with Sofia was the first thing she pulled from the box, sighing heavily as she sat down on the couch. She could barely remember him like this – hearty, healthy, laughing as he'd made faces at their little girl.

The woods had taken those memories away from her. Even the cocky manwhore, insufferable Mark she'd nearly hated was almost gone, she couldn't see anything but the Mark who'd wilted and faded and died in her arms over those four days. She thought she'd died out there too, even after coming home to her wife and daughter. It had taken her more than a year to realize that she hadn't, even with one part of her lost forever. Her leg wasn't her life. She hadn't lost both, thought it had felt like she had for a long time.

Putting the picture down Arizona forced herself to her feet again, draining her glass and taking a deep breath. Her left leg was a metal frame, her foot a slab of plastic. Her loss was significant. She wasn't sure how she'd ever overcome it. It was a struggle every day. Thunder rumbled again outside but she didn't flinch. Maybe she never would get past it all the way. But she'd come to realize in the last year that that was okay. And no matter what she'd lost, she still had Callie, would always have Callie, and Sofia, and the family they were building together.

Arizona put her glass in the sink and moved across the room to stand at the porch door to watch the rain pound the ground. She heard the soft, padding footsteps coming behind her but didn't turn. “Are you coming back to bed?” Callie asked, yawning. “Or should I start the coffee?”

Hands gently slipped around either side of her waist, squeezing her hipbones when Arizona leaned back into her. “I'm coming back to bed. You couldn't sleep without me?” she asked softly.

“I don't want to,” Callie answered her, nuzzling into her neck. “I sleep better with you in there.” And she knew that Arizona did too. Any time a storm woke her up Arizona had trouble going back to sleep, even with their surgeon ability to sleep any time of the day or night. However, Callie had noticed that when she was there Arizona did sleep better.

Another combo of thunder and ever closer lighting actually did vibrate the windows but Arizona didn't jump. Turning her head to kiss Callie's cheek, Arizona laced their hands. “Let's go back to bed.” She didn't fear the storm because she knew that they would make it to the other side.


End file.
